A challenging year indeed · High Vibe Tribe

A challenging year indeed

I finally did it! After 35 years of smoking, I managed to quit 28 days ago and it's not really something I wanted to do, but rather needed to do for the sake of my health. Having overcome an 18 year opiate addiction, I am familiar with the triggers, cravings and behavioural patterns that are challenging. Smoking was my friend, my comfort, my crutch and I attached that story to it whenever I felt stressed, depressed or bored/lonely or unable to regulate my emotions. I enjoyed smoking and tbh miss it, but my new story is that I'm a non-smoker.

It's only 3 and a half months since my mom died, so I rode out the trauma, shock, grieving, anxiety around arrangements etc. until I became so concerned about my breathing that I thought "it's now or never". My chest does tighten up when I'm anxious and I feel it in my stomach too, but boy, it is so nice to be able to fully expand my lungs now and take deep breaths again. Not to say that I haven't already caused a lot of damage to my lungs and the rest of my body, but coming from a family history of COPD, emphysema and macular degeneration, it was time to take responsibility for my actions and my body, which I've mistreated in the past.

I met with the attorney handling mom's estate and I am going to have to sell the house. Having taken care of mom for the past 4 years and not having an income, I've been left in a financial predicament. I've inherited a beautiful home, but also her debt. Now the pressure is on because I need to sell fast and buy another smaller home just as quickly. That way, the house will be transferred into the new owner's name directly and save me the transfer fees. So the pressure is on big time to clean, sort, prepare and search.

I tackled cleaning the huge front and back gardens yesterday. The refuse removal guys gave me a talking to this morning, as there were 30 bags of garden refuse on the pavement this morning 😂 and my hands and arms are torn to shreds from all the pruning bushes, branches etc. I couldn't walk by 7pm last night, as my 59 year old body has seen that much action in one day in ages 🤣.

I know I'm going to feel amazing after I've finished the major clean-out, but right now it all just feels so overwhelming.... mom was a hoarder and it would be easy to just chuck it all away, but people in need could use a lot of the stuff and just things like her 58 owls collection could be sold. Ugh... I would love one person to just give me a decent price and take everything in the house I don't need, but it doesn't work like that. Everything needs to be cleaned, as the Winter dust is my worst enemy, especially for the things in storage in the garage.

So, in the space of 8 short months, I've nursed my bedridden mother, walked her to her death, dealt with her memorial and affairs, stopped smoking, taken on selling one home and buying another and that's just weekdays ... I have my 14 month old grandson here every weekend and he's a handful all on his own.

I'm not complaining about any of it. I'm actually glad it's all crammed together this year, as I want to start fresh... a proverbial clean slate. I just have my moments .... One minute I want to downsize and minimalise.... a huge 4 bedroom house is too big for me. And today, I've cried and felt so sad, as I've watched the Crested and Black-Collared Barbets, the Mousebirds, the Bulbuls all come and feast on the fruit I put out on the feeding tray. I've got the pool blue again and there are Jasmine buds opening all over the creeper. I planted the whole garden myself and have enjoyed it so. Now that the days are warmer and Spring is around the bend, it's been lovely being outside in the garden, watering and watching everything come to life again. The thought of leaving all this makes my heart so heavy! Yes, I will plant a new garden, but this one is dense with trees and bushes and I've seen 28 different species of birds here. Plus I most probably won't have the luxury of a pool again and I spend the whole Summer in the water! There are things I'm going to have to sacrifice which makes me sad, but having no debt to pay off is more important and I don't even know how much the estate processing attorneys fees will be, so peace of mind is more important long-term.

Part of my new spiritual practices is to not label anything good or bad, right or wrong. Everything just is. I am trying not to attach emotions to all that is going on. I rather just face every minute, every challenge with my best intention and effort and know that I am doing my best and that is good enough .... (ha ha ... says she, the most self-critical and judgemental person who wants everything to look and be perfect ... yeah, I still have work to do there 🙈). I will however get a better price for the house if I make things clean and pretty 😂. I nearly fell off my chair looking at photos and property listings online last night ... the crap people put up is astounding ... distorted photos, spelling mistakes, bad grammar and poor descriptions, not to mention the poor upkeep of places and inside of the homes having rubbish lying around and mess 🤯.

If I knew how to jump timelines or versions of myself, I would, but I do know that sitting in discomfort is a good thing ... it means things might be difficult now, but change is happening and with change comes new experiences, adventures and perhaps happiness of a different flavour. I'm OK with all of it. Doesn't make it easy, but it has shown me how strong I am and helps take away the fear of the unknown. I've been through a lot in my life and I'm still here ... I'd like to believe a better human than I was before. There is no end point to struggles... only death. Every human faces difficulties. I know that I will always be OK, no matter what and it's better to love life than live in fear. Fear is just imprinting past experiences into future imaginings. It's a desire to feel safe. Trust and courage are harder to conjur than fear, but bring better results.

Roll on Spring! I can feel myself coming alive again 😁. I definitely suffer from seasonal depression and hate being stuck indoors, shivering my butt off in Winter 🥶😂👋🏻. Sorry to my American and Northern hemisphere friends ... I'm stealing Spring/Summer back 🌞🏖🌈🌱🌳🌸🌺🌻🌷🪻🐝🦋😍💚.

With life throwing a lot at me lately, I don't have much time to be online, but pop in when I can. So, I hope you're all well and thriving and if not, just remember who you are .... everything we need is already inside us (Soul and Heart) and the busy mind that makes us wobble off our path or out of alignment just needs to go quiet a bit 🧘‍♀️.

Although the top branches are still bare on some trees in my pic below, as soon as the rain starts, everything will explode with colour and greenery. Damn, I'm gonna miss my garden and pool here 😔.

Love, hugs and blessings

Bron 🤗🙏🏻💛💙💚💜💫🌌🌠🌞🌕🫶

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