Rest & Celebrate · EpicYourLife

Rest & Celebrate

Are you your own friend? Are you comfortable in your own company?

It occurred to me last night, as I spent a few hours intentionally "being" with myself, that this is a fairly recent growth for me. For many years, I could not sit still with myself without feeling the need to bring another person in, through messaging or calling if not in person, always needing the assurance of another person to know that I am not alone.

While connection and assurance is healthy and beneficial, I became aware that I lacked the ability to see myself as my own friend. Of course, if I'm not friendly to myself, then what am I? I believe this can look different for each of us. For myself, my mental and emotional life seemed to come to a screeching halt a few years ago, as I found myself in a doctor's office one day with a friend, suddenly hit with the very real possibility of an anorexia diagnosis. I felt like two people that day, the one needing to be seen and heard and healed, as well as the one inflicting the pain.

That doctor appointment and the following weeks mark a crucial point of decision, as I battled the "need" to look perfect for my friends. I was being presented with an opportunity to be honest with others and myself, to allow the curtain of performance to be pulled back, revealing the broken parts I kept trying to pull together.

It took months of therapy and many tears before anything started to feel better, but it did get better. I remember the first times I noticed the sunshine and how good it feels to smile. I chose a little journal to specifically document my good days. This intentional noticing of positivity and choosing gratefulness in the smallest ways had a massive effect on my mindset. I have a mere four short entries in my Good Day Journal, and these are in a span of three weeks. I then forgot I had that journal until I happened to find it months later. As I picked it up then, I was flooded with gratefulness, seeing how my life changed so much that I almost forgot the darkness I walked out of.

I now carry that little journal with me. Every time I open it, my heart swells with gratitude. I am free to love and be loved, to know and be known, and I am one of my own friends. Last night I spent 3 or 4 hours with myself and my own thoughts, and I enjoyed every minute of it. It didn't occur to me until halfway through the evening how monumental this is for me. I'm incredibly grateful that being kind to myself has become normal for me, and I am grateful that I can remember the dark times, as a reminder of how far I have come.

What are your wins? What are you especially grateful for in this season? I would love to hear from you and celebrate with you!

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