Somatic safety · BWC Collective

Somatic safety

Gratitude family. It’s a blessing in some ways to catch replays instead of lives — I can pause and rewind when something was profound and also take a 30 min dance break instead of 10!

I did this session right before bed last week and went to sleep after. Below is what’s come up since then. I really enjoy sharing after sessions but my mind is so saturated with downloads and bliss that I can only ever get a fraction of it out. I started writing out my reflections on the session and it quickly turned into a fuckn essay lol. I feel like this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to capturing the insights that come through in a workshop. Read on if you got time. Peace and love family!

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I really enjoyed this session. It had been a while since I connected with cannabis. When I was sitting on my porch smoking, I felt an encompassing level of acceptance that I hadn’t felt in quite some time.

The breathwork led me deeper into that feeling. Like probably many of us, I usually only allow myself to feel good when I’m DOING good. Checking things off my to do list, being consistent with my practices, etc. My worthiness is something I’ve been particularly focused on recently. My biggest takeaway was that no sense of perceived worthiness will come if I don’t feel truly safe in my own skin first.

I realized I have unconsciously made my healing transactional. “Once I heal my lack mindset, then I’ll be able to attract riches, or soulmate love, or conscious friendships,” my mind says. This whole time, I have made myself unworthy because there is “something I have to achieve” — some “certain level I must get to” before I can experience the objects of my desires (connection, money, security). It is not so!!! Am I really expected to believe that Bezos or Zuckerberg or Trump is worthy of their authority and abundance because of the internal work they have done? HA! (No shade but get real 😂) Clearly I misunderstood the rules of the game somewhere.

The incongruence between how I feel about myself internally (because of all the healing and work I’ve done) and what my life looks like externally is summed up in this one question: “How many more upgrades do I need to receive before my outward life stops sucking ass?”

I tend to get down on myself when I’m not feeling like a million bucks. If I put these feelings into words, they’d say things like

“If I heal this, she’ll come.”

“If I fix this pattern, life will open up.”

“Once I clear this distortion, I’ll finally attract real friends.”

They sound fairly spiritual, but there’s an underlying transactional syntax at play. These beliefs imply that internal shifts = external payments. Nope. Not the case. At least, not in the way our human mind thinks of payments and rewards.

I feel like I’m running headfirst into an ancient program in humanity, something we all deal with:

“Effort earns worth, and worth earns love.”

That ain’t how this shit works. Love isn’t earned. This program only keeps us circling God, and never merging with It. How could you earn Love, when that’s already all you are?

I’m learning Love isn’t a currency, it isn’t payment; it is resonance.

Doing spiritual/healing work with the expectation of material reward means creating walls and boundaries about how the rewards come. These are defenses preventing our fields from TRULY opening up. When the work no longer aims at reward, the field opens without defense. That’s true openness. That’s when this work begets true somatic safety. And somatic safety is the font from which all that we TRULY desire flows.

So: we know that somatic safety — a feeling state of loving acceptance — is where we want to be. But what about when I’m not feeling that way? I’m not at a point of permanent enlightenment/God absorption like that. Nor do I really ever expect to, or even want to be. (Being fully human is very entertaining and quite hilarious.)

But honestly, I find myself in the trenches a lot of the time. Over and over, my hopes have been dashed and my dreams crushed. It’s made me almost averse to hope. A part of me doesn’t want to believe that external life can be good. I’ve reached for it so many times…and gotten burned just as many. Those experiences fuel this belief that says: “If I were whole, I wouldn’t feel this way.” … “See, I told you having hope in a better future is too painful. Just settle down in the mud here with me.”

I can’t say I know exactly what to do with that, but I do know exactly what the path is: somatic safety. These parts of ourselves want to be held, not cleared. And the holding, paradoxically, is the clearing. It’s ok to have desires and hope. There’s no need to turn that off.

I don’t have to kill my longing. I only have to stop using it as evidence against myself.

After reflecting on this for a while, I’m amazed at how entrenched this pattern is and how strongly I resist the VERY THINGS I ACTUALLY WANT. Projecting them onto external objects and people, and using them as permission slips to feel this way. But I can feel this way whenever I give myself permission to! No external validation or permission needed!

So family, if any of this was relatable to you, I wanna leave you with some poignant statements that found me and touched me as I contemplated all these things:

“I release this moment from the burden of fulfilling me.”

“If I am to be loved, let it come to this version of me. Not the one I’m becoming.”

What a great way to start the year.

Peace, peace, peace ✌️

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