The Truth About Avoidant Behavior in Leadership

This is something that is weighing on my mind and heart... We've all read the leadership books. We know the theory. We've heard the lessons and participated in in countless leadership seminars and workshops. But here's what we don't want to admit... Knowing and doing are two different things.

Avoidant behavior isn't just a concept we're reading in our self-help books. It's happening right now, in our teams, our families, our healing spaces. Everywhere. And we're all guilty of it at some point. We Know avoidance is destructive...

The real question is: What are we going to do about it when it shows up in our own leadership dynamics or inner-circles?

Because avoidant BEHAVIOR doesn't just dissolve trust and paralyze progress. It wounds team dynamics and the nervous systems of everyone involved. It stunts innovation and robs healing spaces of safety. It models dysfunction, not transformation. It breeds resentment, not resilience.

In intimate relationships like marriage, avoidant behavior destroys intimacy, trust, and safety. In healing work, it perpetuates the exact traumas our clients come to release. Avoidance may feel like peace, but it's just weaponized silence in disguise. Peace built on fear is not true peace at all.

Here's the painful truth. Avoidant leaders never move past basic foundational Level of leadership according to John C Maxwell in his book, 'the 5 Levels of Leadership. They hide behind their title or position, allowing others - or even expecting others - to handle the difficult conversations that true leadership demands.

John C. Maxwell's "5 Levels of Leadership" reveals that leadership isn't about position or title but rather it's about influence and taking responsibility. His levels progress from level one; Position (people follow because they have to); to Permission (2; they want to) to Production (3; because of what you've done for the organization) to People Development (4; what you've done for them personally) to Pinnacle (5; respect and legacy).

Jocko Willink's "The Dichotomy of Leadership" teaches us that effective leadership requires balancing opposing forces; being strong yet empathetic, confident yet humble, disciplined yet adaptable. But here's what avoidant leaders miss: You cannot balance what you refuse to face!

Leadership requires "Praus" which is one of the root words for "meek." Biblical meekness for example, isn't weakness; it's exercising God's strength under control. It's demonstrating power without undue harshness. It's the calm, peace-full, yet 'battle ready warhorse.'

When we're truly perform within the vision of "Praus," we have the strength to face difficult conversations, but we do so with divine restraint and wisdom. We don't avoid conflict out of weakness, nor do we bulldoze through it with unchecked aggression. We engage with God's strength, love and wisdom, under HIS control.

When we avoid difficult conversations, we're actively creating nervous system dysregulation in everyone around us. Our teams, our families, our clients all feel the impact of our unwillingness to step into the fire. Maxwell emphasizes that leaders must "own everything while empowering others." Willink shows us that leaders must take "extreme ownership" while knowing when to step back. Both require courage to face conflict head-on.

As Don Miguel Ruiz teaches in The Four Agreements: "Be Impeccable with Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say ONLY what you mean." Avoidant behavior in leadership is the opposite of impeccable communication. It's just using silence as a weapon.

"Praus" leaders face the fire. They understand that temporary discomfort in addressing conflict prevents long-term destruction in relationships and organizations. They don't protect their peace by disrupting everyone else through the act of avoidance.

When something significant happens in your team, community, or organization, I suggest addressing it directly with EVERYONE INVOLVED RIGHT AWAY. Openly and honestly, without fear, but with divine wisdom and restraint. Focus on LOVE and TRUTH, exercising power without undue harshness. We're all here to grow, learn, and Awaken to our patterns that keep us stuck in pain and suffering. This way, we can make a chopice to take a chance and transform our lives from the inside out.

Remember: Silence breeds suspicion. Transparency builds trust. Open communication demonstrates and inspires courage. The question isn't whether we'll face conflict, it's whether we'll lead through it ROOTED in compassion, love, and truth with transparency.

In the ALL of our healing work, our leadership style directly impacts the nervous systems and spiritual well-being of everyone we serve. We have a sacred responsibility to model the emotional resilience and transparent communication we're asking others to embrace through the spirit of compassion, in love and truth burning at the center of our watery hearts..

"I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done for you. I tell you the truth, slaves are not greater than their master. Nor is the messenger more important than the one who sends the message. Now that you know these things, God will bless you for doing them." - Jesus in John 13:15-17

AMMN ✨

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