“Every moment of light and dark is a miracle. Each miracle nourishes the soul if you let it.” – Walt Whitman Who do I feed? I think we typically all spend our lives trying to do right by others and to grow. I have come to realize that I can justify being a good person when I help others and frankly I have built a career around helping those who struggle and cannot do it on their own. This sounds like a noble career and much of it was, but it is easy to fall into a self-conviction of my own goodness. It is true that it is altruistic to have something to give to those in need, however, what I got back fed an aching soul. Lost in my own goodness I can allow myself to be seen in a bright light by others and therefore never need to defend my value. Recognizing my own pain returns me to humanity, allows me to be one with those I work with and in seeing their value I find my own. I yearn to be loved to feel that soft place of comfort with no judgement and complete understanding. My mistake is pursuing this love through others. The reality I have come to know is that the love I seek must be given by me to me. It is as simple as the inhale of love so that I can exhale love. Feeding my soul through the energy of others will always leave me wanting. Do we all love with the hope of being loved? If I can fulfill my own need for love within my own sense of self then all that I give away is from abundance. It is pure. It has no baggage or requirement attached. It assumes that others deserve love because they breathe air as do I. Where in your life are you most likely to give? What is the reward? How do you provide reward to yourself so that others owe you nothing?

“Our fear of not mattering much has the potential to draw us away from what matters most.” – Andy Stanley Do I matter? This is the question I ask myself regularly at the end of my professional career and beginning of retirement. I can go down the list of accolades from people I have worked with over the years. People I have listened to and truly heard. People in difficult stages of life who had sought my counsel. Although it is true that I mattered in their moment, years later it is easy in the silence to convince myself that it was all for naught. The social calendar is relatively empty, the kids have their own lives, friends are still working. So why should you read about what I have to say on this topic? This is an example of me placing my vulnerability in your lap. I hesitate to write about this thinking it shows a sign of weakness, but that is just my fear and courage is action despite the presence of fear. I know that if I am feeling vulnerable than more than likely others are as well. I believe that the feeling that I have had impact during my time in this life justifies good feelings about who I am. Deep down it is how I define being worthy to be loved. Funny because over the years I have told countless people that they matter because they breathe, yet I find it so hard to apply to myself. The hobbies I find most fulfilling are those when I restore old items or repurpose them to be enjoyed again such as an old house or piece of furniture. I love creating beauty out of what was once discarded. I have often wondered if deep down this speaks to my outlook on life. We all eventually hit a point where we feel discarded in life and must look deeper to find our inner beauty to be brought forth. Do you see your beauty? How do you present your beauty to the world? What does your inner beauty say about you?

Feeling fear when speaking in front of people with authority. Fear, I have been told, is “forgetting everything is alright.” When I am in front of a crowd of people and must voice my thoughts it can be intimidating. If I make the thoughts and conclusions of the people before me take top importance then I can easily be intimidated. Their judgement paralyzes me. My default is to do a perfect job so there will be nothing to be judged. Fear of judgement from other people is a sign for me that I am trying to be perfect. Perfection is a lie that tells me I will escape judgement and therefore be safe. The way I have found to challenge this mindset and give myself the freedom to move ahead is to recognize that people do not hold power over me unless I hand it to them, so I take it back. I must focus on what I define as my own Higher Power. This Higher Power has my best interest at heart and never abandons me. It can be a spiritual belief, but does not have to be. If my focus remains on my Higher Powers’ will for me then what other people think of me is none of my business because I do not live for their approval. I live to learn and be fulfilled. I have heard it said, “Courage is not the absence of fear it is fear that has said its prayers.” I can move in the correct direction because I know this is the right thing to do even when it frightens me. I have values, ethics and a code of conduct I follow. The code does not eliminate fear, it gives me a structure to follow even when fear is present. Choosing to be vulnerable allows other people to relate to me, they see themselves in me and wish for my success so they can also have hope for success. Relationship begins to be built through shared vulnerability. How do you manage the voice in your head, when it becomes negative (the voice of sabotage)? Have you made peace with your inner voice? What is it trying to teach and is it effective?