Before I Said Goodbye, I Sat Still First
I didn’t leave right away. That’s the part no one talks about. There’s a moment before goodbye that isn’t dramatic. No raised voices. No slammed doors. Just stillness. I sat there longer than I should have. Long enough for the room to keep breathing without me. Long enough to notice the dust on the windowsill, the way the light leaned but didn’t ask anything. People think leaving is impulsive. That goodbye comes from panic or anger. But most of the time, it comes after a long apprenticeship in silence. I had already stayed a thousand times. Stayed while explaining less. Stayed while shrinking my needs into something manageable. Stayed while convincing myself that endurance was the same as love. Stillness teaches you things. It shows you what moves toward you and what only responds when pressed. I sat still long enough to realize that nothing was reaching back. That the quiet wasn’t peace. It was absence with good manners. Goodbyes aren’t always betrayals. Sometimes they’re acknowledgments. A way of saying, “I finally listened to what this was asking of me.” I didn’t leave in a hurry. I didn’t leave to punish anyone. I left because staying had started to cost me my own voice. Jesus didn’t rush His goodbyes either. He lingered. He ate with them. He washed feet. He sat at tables knowing the ending. He didn’t confuse proximity with faithfulness. He knew when love had done all it could in one form and had to be entrusted to God in another. Before I said goodbye, I sat still long enough to tell the truth without drama. And when I finally stood up, it wasn’t escape. It was obedience to what had already been made clear in the quiet.