Iโm going to be honest, I need help.
Even typing that made my eyes tear up. I donโt even know where to beginโฆand that opened the flood gates hahaโฆfuck guys. Idk how long I can do this. I know with my history of quick up and downs that I could be base level or low level manic before I know it. But thereโs something about being in a depressed state that convinces my entire reality that Iโll never be ok again. Iโm in a chapter of independence after a breakup, to break a 15 year cycle that was probably going on well before I counted myself as an adult. When you try to survive, bad habits, vices, and dependency just sort of happen. Iโm going to type some stuff out for myself and put it out there, for accountability, understanding, and maybe someone will see it and relate or know something that I donโt. Iโm going to start with symptoms and see what comes out after. 34yo M 6โ2โ 190lbs (San Antonio) high-ish metabolism at least before I was 30 404 testosterone Symptoms I am feeling today, this week, this month, this year, and over the last 30 years (as far back as my memory goes) Actual Diagnosiโs (Although now I donโt identify AS these but simply admit that I have symptoms related to and on the multi faceted spectrum OF these) Bipolar II BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) General Anxiety Disorder ADHD (Taking 125mg Zoloft - SSRI and 1000mg Depakote - Mood Stabilizer at night. These medicines took me from fetal position crying from morning to night, to functioning enough to live and grow) (I mention these diagnosiโs because if anything, the symptoms of, and relations to each other, are very reflective of my daily struggles) -General tiredness -Suicidal Ideation -Depression -Anxiety -Addiction (Mostly in the form of manipulating dopamine rather than drugs or alchohol ie vaping, energy drinks, being lazy, porn, impulsivity, sex, thrill seeking, reckless behavior) -Low level Mania (Not Bipolar 1 mania) -Symptoms tied to Borderline Personality Disorder -Numb -Confidence -Lack of Confidence