Week 6 Tasking: Attachment style quiz: I got a mixture of A's and B's, anxious attachment trending towards secure (I hope). I've been working on it a lot over the last few years and I would definitely have answered with more A's not too long ago. I still see my anxious beliefs and behaviours popping up all over the place but I'm now aware of them and can make more intentional decisions about my reactions than I used to. I've been practicing the SAFE framework for a couple of weeks, focusing on a single step at a time. I can quite often see the other person's emotion, see my reaction, and see the story that comes up to justify it. I've gotten better at pausing and letting myself digest it before responding, which has really helped me stay present. I'm focusing on acknowledge now which I'm definitely not so good at! I often jump to defence and explanation rather than validating their emotions. My partner apologised for something and shared what she'd been learning about and I could see it was uncomfortable for her. I had the urge to make that into a discussion but instead I told her I could see how difficult it must be for her and asked her questions about her experience with it. It allowed us to explore a sensitive subject and although it wasn't perfect, it was something.

Week 7 Tasking: Conflict style assessment: Mostly Ds and some As, which means "confrontational". I found it really interesting to read the options because I can see how I've changed over time, going from sometimes anxious or accommodating to more confrontational as I try to assert my needs. And now more and more moving towards collaborative as I learn to react less to my triggers. I still have a long way to go but it feels hopeful. The SAFE framework has been on my mind a lot this week, especially as I'm in conflict with my partner. I've found it quite difficult to remember parts of it when I'm dysregulated, or even WANT to do it when I'm defensive. I have to wrestle myself into focusing on doing what's right when part of me just wants to retaliate in my usual pattern. I've gotten more clear on the acknowledge part since last week, and I'm now trying to internalise feeling with them. I don't have a single example to give because I'm not sure I've really executed it well all at once. There has been several instances where my partner expresses her perception of what I'm doing, and it doesn't match up with my intention. I usually get defensive and try to "correct" it which invalidates her feelings around it. When I recognise my negative reaction I stop drop and roll, and tell her that I can see she's hurt by it and it's understandable why she sees it that way. I need to work on the next steps by staying calm and helping her explore her feelings around it, rather than trying to change it. My truth is statement was around this, as I've come to realise how my reaction invalidates her feelings and leaves her feeling alone with difficult emotions: I've been lying to myself that I'm doing everything I can to make our relationship work. The truth is I abandon you when you're struggling because I focus on my own needs instead of yours. The cost of that is you feel alone and unloved, and that you can't rely on me to be there when you need me the most. The consequence is we don't feel safe and connected and miss out on the love we both deserve.