Howdy

I finished a book last month called The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture by Dr. Gabor Mate. He talks about in chapter 7 this idea. These are from my notes so most of it comes straight from the book: Talks about two essential needs: attachment and authenticity. There is an inescapable tension between these two needs. Attachment is defined as the drive for closeness – proximity to others, in not only the physical but the emotional sense as well. Its primary purpose is to facilitate either caretaking or being taken care of. For many people, these attachment circuits powerfully override the ones that grant us rationality, objective decision making, or conscious will – a fact that explains much about our behaviour across multiple realms. Children often receive the message that certain parts of them are acceptable while others are not. Example "Good children don't yell." A child may internalize the idea that "I'm lovable only when I'm doing things well," setting themself up for a life of perfectionism and rigid role identification, cut off from the vulnerable part of herself that needs to know there is room to fail – or even to just unspectacularly ordinary – and still get the love they need. Although both needs are essential, there is a pecking order: in the first phase of life, attachment tops the bill. Author talks about how children will chose attachment over authenticity as the choice is between "hiding my feelings, even from myself, and getting the basic care I need" and "being myself and going without." The fact that we don't consciously choose such coping mechanisms makes them all the more tenacious. Patterns get wired into our nervous system. The perceived need to be what the world demands becomes entangled with our sense of who we are and how to seek love. Inauthenticity Is thereafter misidentified with survival because the two were synonymous during the formative years. My main criticism about the points that he makes is that kids push back to see what they can get away with. he doesn't factor that in. Maybe kids do that in safer environments?

@Yuri Zavorotny it means being honest with how I feel in my body. We are really out of touch with ourselves and that's why I think stuff like yoga, exercise, and meditation can help with tuning into our body. Intrinsic motivation is part of it. Yes to some degree it means doing what I feel like but we do live in a society among people and have responsibilities so sometimes we have to do things we may not care for but that doesn't mean I'm not being authentic because at least I am honest with myself. Authenticity means self-honesty and that I'm fully processing what I'm thinking and feeling and not dismissing it and forcing stuff into my subconscious, which is my body. It's connected with self-awareness

What is your view of success as you only stated it's closed minded?

Success is a term for the material realm so I would say being able to have a certain level of wealth in life. Maybe throw in a relationship and social influence

I had a friend steal my credit card to buy groceries and she used her toddler as for the reason as to why my wallet was missing when I went to visit her. I cut her out of my life. Like all normal people, I need to trust my friends. If I can't, you're out

I wouldn't say that the world can't exist with these type of people. The world can function fine with or without them. Humans are motivated by a wide range of possible outcomes so people obviously don't care if they hurt people to get what they want. Depending on the context, it is better to accept that scammers, social climbers, and liars exist but there are plenty of times where scammers need to be regulated. It's like a hydra but this is just adaptation which is part of evolution. We all have egos so if your ego goes around hurting others, don't think there won't be pushback by those that were hurt. You are not free from consequences. And yes I do agree that it's better to surround yourself with people that have integrity. But part of that is learning how to spot the liars. If you look at nature, many deceive for survival aka camouflage. So it's not just a human trait to lie. I look at someone's actions and inconsistencies for what they say versus what they do. People are not always what they seem because it takes time to get to know someone. Put them in a tough situation and they can turn into irrational power tripping people.