I have been depressed for almost 5 years now, in the recent months after I have dived quite a little bit into spirituality through Rey, I have found hope and the need to live regardless of how much of self harm thoughts I have been having. It's every once in a week where I feel like I have wasted my college years ruminating over things that aren't that big of a problem. I grew up in a normal household with a loving mom and a good father, and a genius older brother who's about 26 now. But eventually, 5 years back my parents got separated, and our father kicked all of us out of our home, went homeless for a few days but eventually the universe took care of us and my brother landed a fair paying engineering job, enough to pay for my college and a one room apartment for living. While i was away for college, I had an Instagram business which was going good but due to all of these unfamiliar circumstances as a guy quite young at that time, I lost the drive to even do it anymore and everything I've build just died and I have quit instagram since then. To cope, i started doing a lot of Marijuana and Alcohol. And marijuana is still in my everyday routine except I drink mostly thrice a year almost now. But I somewhere lost myself with all the comfort i have had abusing these substances. I didn't excel in my engineering college, and it's time I'm about to graduate in 3 months and i still haven't done anything. I have moved on from all of those events, started looking over for genuine connections, I'm quite good in talking with people. But somewhere, the desire to live, the goal in life, the desire to do something in life has lost in me. I don't treat any of my past events as my problem now and I have accepted those events were necessary for me to be the person I am right now. I'm conscious about everything, but the desire to live,love,laugh has somewhere gone. It feels like this is the last piece in the puzzle which can let me survive. My brother's doing fairly well now, we rented a new 2 bedroom apartment, and somewhere I feel my contribution is nearly nothing as a son. It's nothing about comparison but I want to do something, and I don't know what and how. I don't know what do I love doing, I don't wanna pressurize my brother more financially for my college further for my master's degree.

The real way to get out of your inside blame game and self sabotage is embracing your darkness and knowing that this is how I am. But lets say, you are addicted to heroin, i dont think so its okay to embrace that and be comfortable with it and say that this is how i am. Sounds somewhat like the person is in denial. I want to understand this better, and this is one thing that is getting me confused.