This is a good point and it's making me think deeper about it. If men don't show interest and excitement and bring energy to these events, then why would the women want to invite us in the first place? I hate the intense gendering that goes into baby showers as much as anyone but I think we have to acknowledge that it's kinda been necessary to have this space for people who are going to be burdened with the invisible labour to support each other. I don't know your SIL of course, but hypothetically if she feels overwhelmed by the prospect of being a mom and thinks that a bunch of women around her will help her feel supported (probably because they have actually been socialized to be good at supporting moms), then I don't think it's on her to instigate the change by inviting men. I see a lot of overlap with other areas of invisible labour imbalance that you talk about. It will be more effective and more fair for men to be the drivers of change. Sure, we can ask to be invited and encourage the women planning these parties to invite more men, but more importantly: - put our energy towards changing men's behaviours and attitudes - plan the party ourselves (or plan a separate one if the women in our lives want to have their own) - step more firmly into the role of parent to the new baby --- follow up after the party to anyone that gave gifts to mom and express your own gratitude and how you plan to use them Thanks for sparking the discussion!

We really struggle with communication because I like to keep conversations more contained (more focused on 1 or 2 things that we can work on) and she makes a lot of connections across many aspects of our relationship, both current and from the past. I sometimes get lost and find that I can't follow what would really help her feel cared for. We can't seem to get on the same page, talk past one another, and end up angry that we aren't being heard. Separately, she holds a lot of resentment towards me because of our history. She wants me to make a quick and abrupt change to my life perspective and that seems actually impossible to me as I think these things need to be worked through with patience and conscious effort. This makes it hard for us to recognize and appreciate improvements.