@Chancy Hagler I agree. My partner and I have been together for 27 years and we have had at least 5 different relationships along the way. Poly can be an amazing relationship choice and in my experience to have it work well you need to have a great calendar system and mad relationship skills.

@Chancy Hagler I don’t think everyone needs to be on the same page. That would kill curiosity and chemistry pretty fast. But being in the same book? Yes. Shared values, clear agreements, respect, and consent. Within that, people can be on totally different chapters, reading at their own pace, discovering different things. That’s usually where the magic is—aligned enough to feel safe, spacious enough to stay interesting.

There are many ways to talk about desire, and one reason we aren’t direct with our partners is fear — including the fear that she might say yes. And if she does, you may have to face what that yes means about you, the relationship, and who you’re allowed to be. It’s often easier to talk to friends because the stakes feel lower. A fantasy shared with a friend stays a story. With a partner, it can suddenly carry weight, meaning, and consequence. Instead of starting with the fantasy itself, it can help to get curious about the feeling underneath it. With something like swinging, the desire may be about the sex and under that might be about wanting to feel desired, powerful, chosen, or alive. One gentle way to open the conversation is to name curiosity rather than intention — for example, mentioning something you saw online, like the Erotic Blueprint Test, and asking if your partner would be open to taking it together. It creates a doorway into deeper desire without pressure. Not all fantasies need to be acted out.But understanding how you want to feel — and learning how to talk about that safely — changes everything.

@Jessica Jarvis He is also a dancer

Thank you for saying your name, where you’re from, and why you joined. That level of honesty already tells me a lot about you — especially that you care deeply about your wife and about growing, not performing.

Happy that you are here

Thank you for your great questions What does better sex mean to you personally? Better Sex the podcast and the Skool community grew out of hundreds of conversations with clients over the years who were not broken or failing. They just wanted it to be better. Better sex to me means sex that actually feels good in my body. It means feeling connected to my partner instead of performing guessing or pushing. And it means expanding the definition of sex so there is room for both of our pleasure curiosity and experience. What is one thing you wish you had learned earlier about intimacy or pleasure? That nothing was wrong with me. I have never fit the dominant narrative of monogamy and I have always been kinky I should have stuck with guys I met at the Renaissance Faire. Cause when I dated regular guys I often felt like I was too much too curious too sexual too expressive too intense and learned to turn the volume down to be more palatable. Looking back nothing about me was too much. I was just trying to fit into rooms that were not built for me. What helps you feel safe and connected in a sexual relationship? I learned a long time ago that my safety is my responsibility not in a way that lets my partner off the hook but in a way that gives me agency. Safety is something we create together. It starts with being as clear as I can about my needs and being willing to listen to my partner’s. Consistency matters. Willingness matters. And repair matters. When both people are committed to care and coming back into connection trust deepens and intimacy has room to grow.