Welcome @Matthew O'Brien

I really appreciate the heart behind this and the way you’re centring children’s behaviour in survival, not “badness.” Speaking as an adoptive parent, a trauma survivor, and a trauma therapist, this framing is so important. Many children who present with what gets labelled as “challenging” or “defiant” are not choosing to be difficult — they are communicating distress with the only tools their nervous system has available. From a therapeutic parenting perspective, behaviour is communication. trauma response behaviours often emerge when a child’s early experiences taught them that adults, closeness, or unpredictability are unsafe. Their brain isn’t asking “What’s the right thing to do?” — it’s asking “How do I survive this moment?” Punishment, especially when it relies on fear, withdrawal of connection, or shame, often confirms the child’s core belief: “I’m not safe. I’m not understood. I’m alone with this.” That doesn’t mean there are no boundaries — but boundaries work best when they are relational, regulating, and predictable, rather than punitive. Trauma certainly impacts brain development, integration, and nervous system regulation — sometimes profoundly — but the brain also remains plastic and responsive to safety. I’ve seen, both personally and professionally, how consistent, attuned relationships can support real healing and reorganisation over time. Many adults — myself included — were once those children in survival mode, later judged as having character flaws rather than nervous systems shaped by experience. Reframing this isn’t about excusing behaviour; it’s about responding in ways that actually help children move out of survival and into connection. I’m grateful you’re bringing this conversation forward. Children don’t need more control — they need more safety. I can tell I am going to enjoy this community 🙏🏻

@Tonya Valadez 🫶🏻

This really resonates. So often, survivors are expected to show control and responsibility in the very areas trauma has most impacted, while the focus shifts away from the abuser’s responsibility. Trauma changes how the brain and nervous system function. When survival systems are activated, expecting calm reflection or “better choices” isn’t realistic — it’s harmful. Accountability belongs with the abuser. Healing requires safety and compassion, not blame. Thank you for naming this so clearly.

Wonderful to be here 🫶🏻