After months of trial and error, I chose me. I CHOSE my mental health. I have never quit a job without having a backup. When I got home I had a recruiter from a local hospital ask me to send several times for a phone interview. I had my old boss reach out and let me know they are hiring social workers and teachers. My mom sent nasty messages. However, my best guy friend read one of them and said he, as a parent would have said the same thing. So I thanked him for his input and moved on. Maybe, I AM the problem? BUT if I had a child, who came to me with the words that I used, I would have had a totally different reaction. I am not really ok, I am scared, to be brutally honest. But I know, without doubt, that my last position was not a good fit.

Truth be told, I hate goodbyes. When I left my job at a special needs school, saying goodbye to the kiddos was so hard that I cut my two-week notice in half. This time I just resigned, effective immediately. My soul can't take many more goodbyes. One of my nurses texted me to ask how my day was, which told me that management didn't tell them I quit. Slowly, the texts came trickling in, so I sent a text to the group of them, "Hey ladies, just wanted to let you know (since management didn't) that I resigned today. I hope you don't take this personally. You are all phenomenal, and I love and learned so much from all of you - keep being awesome. And their responses made me cry...in totally the opposite way that my mom's texts did. In a good way. In a way that made me feel seen, heard, and validated.

I let my guard down with my father. He seemed to genuinely be interested in whether or not I was okay. So I started sharing my experiences with work. He yelled my name. So I stopped talking. He continued, "Are you incapable of marshaling yourself?" I told him I didn't know what that meant. He stated some kind of definition to which I responded, "I am doing the best that I can." He retorted, "So you're just going to cave...again." I knew these were fighting words, SO I gently reiterated: "I am doing the best that I can." To which he stated, " Go ahead be a victim then." (these are trigger words, and I am not going to let just anyone use them with me). I turned around, said, "okay" and then walked out of his house. Now. I am done. I will not go back unless I get an apology or he learns to "marshal" himself (which if you see below, he didn't even use correctly). I'm not even mad, I am just done. Men...this is why you need to heal. This doesn't even scratch the surface of my "daddy issues" but he was telling me to marshal myself AFTER I gave him my plan of action. According to GOOGLE: "Marshal yourself" means to get yourself ready, organized, and prepared for action or a task. It implies bringing together your thoughts, resources, and efforts to be in a state of readiness. It can also mean to organize or arrange something in an orderly fashion. Love your children unconditionally. Please don't bait them by pretending to care!

So I was talking to God today and it went a little like this: "God I know you don't make mistakes, so why did you give me a father who will never understand me?" and He replied, "I didn't give him to you, I gave you to him." And now I know why my number one spiritual gift is mercy. And my strength in CliftonStrengths is empathy. Still, it makes it a hard assignment.

The truth is, I was going to quit my job, but instead I asked for today and Friday off. I need to reset. There is no reason why I should be feeling so low just because of my career. So low that I wanted to punish myself by self-harming, a behavior I learned as a teen. Instead, I took a bath and used one of those bath bomb things. I went to church last night and cried a lot, and had some good friends pray over me. I woke up to the business manager thanking me for my "feedback" and telling me that she looks forward to talking more when I return to work. I laid it all out there; I spoke my truth, and this time it worked... well enough to get me through next Monday. So I woke up and cleaned my apartment. You can always tell how my mental health is by the state of tidiness of my living space. If it's clean, I am in good shape. If it's a wreck, chances are so is my mental health. I have a new friend at church, and she is very kind to me. I think she's been through some of the things I have been through, in terms of needing to "perform to earn love." Ever since I was a little girl, I have tried to be the "glue" that holds everyone and everything together...and it's just not working. I have to learn how to let people deal with their own emotions and figure out my own, without self-imploding. 🥰