21d • General discussion
Your brain is working against your marriage. And it does not even know it. 😔
Let me be vulnerable with you for a minute.
A few weeks ago, I took four of our children to the shops. My husband kindly offered to stay home with our one year old, even though he was working, so I could get in and out quicker. On the way home I called and asked him to put lunch on. He agreed.
I walked through the door. Nothing was on.
My first instinct?
To run a mental list of every time he had done this. Every dropped ball. Every moment he had not followed through. My brain had the receipts, and it was ready to present them.
But then I caught myself.
Because I also had a one year old who stayed home. I had an easier shopping trip. I had a husband who rearranged his working morning for me.
That is negativity bias.
And it is quietly damaging marriages everywhere.
So what is negativity bias? 👑
It is the brain's tendency to give more weight to negative experiences than positive ones. It is not a character flaw. It is actually wiring. Our brains is created to flag threats and problems because that keeps us safe.
But in a marriage, that same wiring means we can:
Register the one thing he forgot and miss the ten things he did 💛
Hold onto criticism longer than we hold onto kindness.
Build a case against our spouse without realising we are doing it
Gottman's research found that healthy relationships need around a 5:1 ratio. Five positive interactions to every one negative. That is how strong the pull of the negative is.
What happens if we let it run?
If I had gone into that kitchen and let the bias take over, here is where that conversation goes. I make him wrong. He gets defensive. I escalate. He shuts down. We spend the afternoon cold with each other over lunch that never got made.
And here is the part that stings. Nothing about that argument would have been a lie. He did agree to put the food on. He did not do it.
But the full truth was bigger than that moment. And negativity bias shrinks the picture until all you can see is the problem.
Over time, that shrinking becomes a habit. You stop noticing the good. You stop expecting it.
And you start building a story about your spouse that is not the whole of them. 😔
So here is one thing you can do today 🌱
At the end of the day, name three things your spouse did that you appreciated.
They do not have to be big. In fact, they probably will not be.
For example: He made the tea. She remembered you mentioned being tired. He gave you five minutes of quiet. She ironed your clothes.
I truly believe this is why God has so much emphasis on gratitude in the Bible.
This is not about excusing genuine issues. It is about training your attention to hold the full picture, not just the problems.
Because when you only see what is wrong, you stop being able to see what is worth fighting for.
Your marriage is not struggling because your spouse is failing. Sometimes it is struggling because your brain is keeping score on a crooked board.
What is one thing your spouse did last week that you almost let yourself overlook? Drop it in the comments. Let us practice together. 💛🙏🏾
2
2 comments
Your brain is working against your marriage. And it does not even know it. 😔
skool.com/the-kingdom-relationship-room
Build a legacy, not just a marriage. Faith-rooted tools for Christians who are dating, engaged or married and ready to go deeper. 👑 Free to join
Leaderboard (30-day)
1
🔥
+10
2
🔥
+9
3
+1
Powered by