Two words that can undo an entire apology. 😔 If you grew up like most of us, you were taught to say sorry as a child and that was it. Job done. Move on. But a real apology is so much more than the word sorry. It is accountability. And accountability cannot live in the same sentence as the word "but". "I'm sorry I raised my voice, but you kept pushing me." "I'm sorry I didn't call, but I was so busy." "I'm sorry I said that, but you know how I get." Do you see it? The moment "but" shows up, everything before it disappears. It stops being an apology and becomes an explanation for why you were right to do what you did. It quietly hands the blame back to the other person, even while your mouth is saying sorry. 👑 A real apology sounds different. "I'm sorry I raised my voice. That wasn't okay, and I take responsibility for it." No but. No excuse tucked in at the end. Just ownership. This is hard because taking full accountability can feel like losing. Like if you don't explain yourself, they will think it was all your fault. But real accountability is not about winning or losing. It is about being honest enough to let your sorry stand on its own. 🙏🏾 Scripture reminds us that confession, real confession, is what brings healing (James 5:16). Not confession with conditions. Not confession with a "but" attached. Just honesty, out loud, without defence. This one shift, dropping the "but", changes everything about how an apology lands. Have you noticed yourself doing this? Be honest. When was the last time your "sorry" had a "but" hiding at the end of it? 👇🏾

Before we start: abuse is real. If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, please seek help immediately. This post is not about that. This is about something else that has quietly crept into our relationships. We are living in a world where every behaviour has a label. 🏷️ Your partner forgets to text back. "That's avoidant." Your partner disagrees with your version of events. "That's gaslighting." Your partner is having a bad week and snaps at you. "They're a narcissist." Here's the truth nobody wants to sit with. There is a difference between someone displaying a narcissistic behaviour and someone being a narcissist. We can all be selfish sometimes. We can all be defensive. We can all struggle to see someone else's point of view when we are hurting. That does not make us a narcissist. It makes us human. But in this generation, for example, "narcissist" has become the go to word the moment we feel disrespected, unheard or disappointed. And once we say the word, something shifts. We stop seeing our partner. We start seeing a diagnosis. So how do we stop jumping the gun? 1. Check yourself first. Before you label, ask. Am I hurt, or am I actually in danger? Those are two very different things. Hurt needs a conversation. Danger needs help. 2. Look for a pattern, not a moment. One action is a moment. A moment deserves a conversation, not a diagnosis. A repeated pattern of control, manipulation and no accountability is a different conversation entirely. 3. Ask what the behaviour is protecting. Often what looks like "narcissistic behaviour" is actually fear, insecurity or an unhealed wound talking. That does not excuse it. But it does help you respond instead of react. 4. Remember grace goes both ways. None of us come into a relationship whole. We are all carrying something. Scripture reminds us, love keeps no record of wrongs. That does not mean ignore harm. It means we do not build a case file every time our partner disappoints us. 💛 A relationship God is at the centre of is not one where nobody ever gets it wrong. It is one where we learn to tell the difference between "you hurt me" and "you are dangerous," and we respond accordingly.

When I speak to a lot of husbands, they say they feel their wives are constantly criticising, or telling them what they are doing wrong. I don't believe this is intentional, but I do wonder whether we recognise how our words, and the way we are saying things, are impacting our spouses. I really like how the amplified Bible puts it. Your love for criticism has consequences. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words. Proverbs 18:21 (AMP) Have you ever criticised your spouse or felt criticised by them? How did it end? Let us know. No judgements here.

I shared this recently because it deeply spoke to me - so thought it might bless you to. It's so easy to forget this! If you are finding it hard to pray in the season you are in – stop trying and do this instead. Let the Holy Spirit fill the gap. Romans 8:26 says “we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” You, friend, have an Advocate! Right now! The Spirit is actively intervening and mediating on your behalf. So ditch any guilt you might have about “should be praying more” and instead, express thanks. Thank the Holy Spirit who is standing in the gap for you right now. Stand on the promise that he is for you. He’s got you! He is advocating for you right now.

Let me be vulnerable with you for a minute. A few weeks ago, I took four of our children to the shops. My husband kindly offered to stay home with our one year old, even though he was working, so I could get in and out quicker. On the way home I called and asked him to put lunch on. He agreed. I walked through the door. Nothing was on. My first instinct? To run a mental list of every time he had done this. Every dropped ball. Every moment he had not followed through. My brain had the receipts, and it was ready to present them. But then I caught myself. Because I also had a one year old who stayed home. I had an easier shopping trip. I had a husband who rearranged his working morning for me. That is negativity bias. And it is quietly damaging marriages everywhere. So what is negativity bias? 👑 It is the brain's tendency to give more weight to negative experiences than positive ones. It is not a character flaw. It is actually wiring. Our brains is created to flag threats and problems because that keeps us safe. But in a marriage, that same wiring means we can: Register the one thing he forgot and miss the ten things he did 💛 Hold onto criticism longer than we hold onto kindness. Build a case against our spouse without realising we are doing it Gottman's research found that healthy relationships need around a 5:1 ratio. Five positive interactions to every one negative. That is how strong the pull of the negative is. What happens if we let it run? If I had gone into that kitchen and let the bias take over, here is where that conversation goes. I make him wrong. He gets defensive. I escalate. He shuts down. We spend the afternoon cold with each other over lunch that never got made. And here is the part that stings. Nothing about that argument would have been a lie. He did agree to put the food on. He did not do it. But the full truth was bigger than that moment. And negativity bias shrinks the picture until all you can see is the problem. Over time, that shrinking becomes a habit. You stop noticing the good. You stop expecting it.