Fear and Shame Muscle Memory · The Emotionally Whole Family

Fear and Shame Muscle Memory

I lead worship yesterday. I get polarized by fear when I get on the stage. Fear of being wrong. Fear of being prideful. Fear of exposing a poser and that I don’t really understand music that much even though my mom was a college trained musician and vocalist. Fear that I will shame GOD fear I will humiliate the pastor by making a mess of worship. Pressure that I have to get it right.

Some days, after I have gone to everyone I know and ask them to cover me in prayer, I can get up there and feel pretty relaxed and confident. But when I see myself on video, it looks like EVERY SINGLE MUSCLE in my body is completely flexed and tense. My movements are so stiff and I literally have my microphone held straight out in front of me when I am not actively singing. It’s like I am petrified of the responsibility of it and repelled by the sight of it. I never noticed it before.

In the past I was so tormented by the enemy when it was my week to sing on the team that I literally quit a few months ago. But the pastors daughter wouldn’t let me. She said she really wanted me to pray about it and not walk away from my destiny.

How can I get over this fear? I look like a corpse on the stage. I have tried everything I know to do to relax. How do I get rid of the memory of fear and shame from my muscles?? How do I get rid of the old triggers?

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