5h • General discussion
THAT SYSTEM
Do you participate in a system that abuses women
1. Silence as Loyalty
When a woman says:
“My husband hits me, but don’t tell anyone.”
And the response is:
“Endure. Marriage is not easy.”
That silence becomes a weapon.
In many African homes, abuse is not denied — it is managed. Family meetings are held, prayers are said, the woman is asked to reduce her voice, cook better, respect more.
The man is corrected in private.
The woman is corrected in public.
That is participation.
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2. Romanticising Suffering
Phrases we grew up with:
• “A woman must endure.”
• “Marriage is not for children.”
• “All men cheat — it’s normal.”
What we are really teaching girls is:
Your pain is the price of womanhood.
When we repeat these lines, we are not comforting women — we are preparing them for harm.
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3. Respecting Men at the Expense of Women
When a powerful man abuses a woman and people say:
• “But he pays school fees.”
• “He built the house.”
• “He’s respected in the community.”
We are saying:
His achievements cancel her trauma.
This is how abusers hide behind success.
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4. Policing Women’s Survival Choices
When a woman finally leaves abuse and people ask:
• “Why did you stay so long?”
• “Why did you marry him in the first place?”
• “You should have prayed more.”
We turn her survival story into a courtroom.
The abuser is gone.
But the system continues the beating.
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5. Teaching Boys Power, Teaching Girls Patience
Little boys are told:
• “You’re the man of the house.”
Little girls are told:
• “Be calm.”
• “Don’t talk back.”
• “Be respectful.”
So one grows into entitlement.
The other grows into endurance.
That is not culture.
That is conditioning.
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6. Calling Control “Love”
• Checking her phone is called care.
• Isolating her from friends is called protection.
• Jealousy is called passion.
By the time the slap comes, it already feels familiar.
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The system that abuses women is not only in violent hands.
It is in:
• our silence,
• our jokes,
• our advice,
• our traditions,
• our prayers that ask women to shrink instead of asking men to change.
And the most painful truth?
Most women are not beaten first.
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THAT SYSTEM
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