10d • General discussion
The Awakening W1D3
My journal
DAY 3 — THE DEEPER LAYER (JOURNAL)
Today I realized that what God is touching in me is deeper than discipline, surrender, or trust as an action.
I understand the right theology.
I know God is sovereign.
I know I didn’t build reality.
I know I’m not holding the world together.
But beneath what I know, there is something older.
I learned early that I had to originate myself to stay intact.
Not just succeed.
Not just perform.
Not just obey.
I had to keep myself real — coherent, composed, ahead — because emotion was not reliably held by anyone else. So I became the stabilizer. The container. The one who keeps things together.
That identity worked.
It made me disciplined.
It made me capable.
It made me strong.
But it also taught my body something deeper than belief:
If I stop asserting myself, I might stop existing.
That is why stillness feels unfinished.
That is why surrender feels vague or false.
That is why even true faith language can quietly function as control.
I don’t just manage my life.
I manage continuity of self.
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Day 3 Questions — Answered Honestly
What measurable, external problem am I attacking to avoid facing the internal ambush of the critic or the phantom?
I am attacking my body, my discipline, my training, and my structure — not because they are wrong, but because they are measurable and controllable. Numbers don’t argue back. Effort doesn’t reject me. Control feels safer than exposure.
How is the self-hate loop I think motivates me actually keeping me unstable in my deepest relationships?
The same critic that pushes me to achieve also keeps me armored. It sharpens discipline but resists vulnerability. It makes emotional closeness feel threatening. It keeps me guarded — especially in marriage — because emotion once meant instability.
What survival-driven identity must be laid down for my spirit to become louder than my flesh?
The identity of the self-originating stabilizer — the one who holds himself together so nothing falls apart.
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What God is asking of me is not to try harder, surrender better, or trust more.
He is asking me to stop pretending that my existence depends on my authorship.
Not to step into Him.
Not to merge.
Not to disappear.
But to stop insisting on standing apart.
The boundary was never held up by me.
The ocean was always there.
Even my certainty has sometimes been a way of holding myself together.
Even truth can become scaffolding.
God is not tearing it down.
He is letting me stop leaning when I am ready.
⸻
Christ has been teaching this all along:
“Apart from me you can do nothing.”
“Abide in me.”
“Whoever tries to save his life will lose it.”
“Come to me, and I will give you rest.”
“It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.”
This is not metaphor.
This is source.
Life does not originate in my effort.
It participates in His.
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At this level, obedience does not look like action.
It looks like:
• noticing the reflex to assert myself
• not suppressing it
• not replacing it
• not narrating it
• not resolving it
Just noticing — and continuing to live.
This is not passivity.
This is not collapse.
This is not losing myself.
This is learning that being is received, not maintained.
⸻
What I am practicing now
Not doing something new —
but not doing the old thing of holding myself into existence.
Nothing dramatic needs to happen.
Nothing needs to click.
Nothing needs to finish.
The self keeps going
even when I stop holding it together.
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Anchor Line (to return to, not repeat compulsively):
“I am not required to keep myself existing.”
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Closing Reflection
Today I am not asked to resolve this.
I am asked to recognize it and not fix it.
That is already obedience at this level.
8:48
3
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The Awakening W1D3
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