When the nervous system hits a wall

Sep '24 • Challenges and Celebrations <3

Hi friends, I'm new here. My name is Maeyah. I've been handed a fair few number of challenges recently and wanted to share my experience. First off, just wanted to express how much Z and the SSP has been helping me and teaching me so far. Very grateful. Anyways, the past couple of weeks have been a bit of a zoo in my psyche due to a sudden breakup with my beloved and visiting my older brother in the psyche ward every weekend. He's been living on the downtown east side of Vancouver using hard drugs for years and has schizophrenia. Looks like he will be moving to a more long term psyche facility which is great news but it's still a lot for me and my family to take on after having not had much contact for years.

Cut to yesterday I was at the gym and felt the random impulse to check my Ancestry DNA account. They show you your ethnicity as well as who you are genetically matched with in the system. I recently matched with someone who is a close relative to (who I thought was only) my sister and brother's father, Rick.

Growing up I was told and always believed that my biological father was some random guy named Mike that never held any interest for me. I would watch my siblings go off to their dad's house every weekend and come back with exciting toys and things like that. Feeling lonely and jealous as a young girl, I kept to myself. Turns out my dad was there the whole time. He ended up not treating them very well in their later years so I'm not sure if I'll even reach out to him.

I had this revelation right before work. I thought I'd be able to push through so I went in anyways (I'm a Massage Therapist). As I'm treating people my mind is racing as it's trying to make sense of this huge paradigm shift. I start feeling shaky and nauseous. I end up leaving in the middle of my day, claiming that I ate something bad. It's upsetting that we don't always feel comfortable expressing mental distress in the workplace. It's not the first time I've said that I had a physical ailment when it was actually more rooted in a psychological/emotional one.

So I left. My nervous system was losing it a bit in the car, trying to move this energy. I purchased some low strength cannabis and a paint by numbers, determined to quell my nerves. Of course I went for a stroll as well. Appreciative of Z emphasizing the importance of leisurely walks as they are one of the most effective regulating tools I have.

I smoked, I painted, I meditated and it was all helpful. Yet, I was left with a familiar empty feeling in my chest at the end of the night. Alone. I feel alone. Even though in deep states of trance I feel completely full. Maybe it's just part of the human experience. I endeavor to hold myself more deeply, more tenderly as the days go by. The inner child in me is deeply wounded and sometimes I don't know how to help her, despite my best efforts.

I wrote a poem a little while ago that somewhat pertains to this. I hope you enjoy it:

My palms are face up,

heart open.

Knowing.

Trusting

that the universe will bring me exactly what

I need in every moment

to expand my awareness.

If a butterfly lands in your hands,

say thank you.

Behold it,

love it,