Aug '24 • Challenges and Celebrations <3
A gentle reminder...
Many folks out there talking about "nervous system regulation" are conveying that a "good" person or a "healed" person has a "calm" nervous system all the time and that we should try and avoid being "activated."
The word regulated comes from the root word for rules. A regulated nervous system is one that follows the rules of the design of the nervous system, it can move flexibly according to the situation and go into and out of sympathetic (mobilized) and dorsal (immobilized).
On the physical plane, it is not safe or wise to be calm all the time. The daily 3 support nervous system flexibility, so that when something is scary we can feel and notice the movement into a defense state, support ourselves back to ventral and then do the self inquiry needed to support whatever it is that needs changing.
This is especially true in relationships, a "calm" all the time relationship is probably one where the people are in a fairly disassociated state. In a relationship with two people with regulated nervous systems there will be an ongoing experience of rupture and repair with self inquiry supporting if/when boundaries or changes to the relationship are necessary.
For example, let's say a person calls me and when we talk, I consistently feel confused, nauseous and shaky. I agree to things I don't want to and then feel disoriented for several days following. I support myself in real time with saying that I need to end the conversation and ask if they are willing to. When they continue talking, I give myself permission to hang up. After months of this recurring, I do the self inquiry to discover that I do not have the skills to speak with this person on the phone. I decide to let them know that I plan to continue our communication by email rather than phone. This is a situation where I cannot legally end this relationship, but if this wasn't the case I would decide to end it. The emails continue to result in some nervous system defense response so I prepare myself in advance with some exercises before opening the emails, waiting until a time when I feel resourced to read them, and never respond earlier than 24 hours so that I have time to support my nervous system before trying to formulate a response.
For me, this is having a regulated nervous system. I feel the movement between the states, support it so I can get back to my executive function, use self inquiry to be honest about what may need to change or be supported differently and continue to support from there. In this situation, I am very grateful for the communication that my nervous system gives me, it guides me as I continue through being in this physical body.
While on this planet, I will continue to experience the waves of my nervous system and rather than trying to calm it or shut it down, I am learning how to respect, appreciate and support it while honoring the ups and downs.
Have you felt pressure to stay "calm" and what are your thoughts about it?
8
12 comments
A gentle reminder...
powered by
skool.com/mind-body-set-4139
Learning to surf the waves of life in community, letting go of obligation and judgement and embracing the wisdom of our nervous system.
Suggested communities
Powered by