Feb 14 • The Archive 🗂️
When Will You Be Good Enough? (7 mins)
I don’t know if the title question is one that many people think about consciously. It’s a question that gets sidestepped whilst pursuing something else.
‘Well, I know what I need to get. A glorious career, a loving partner, a lot of money, a better education, my dream car, a house the size of Liechtenstein…’
Wanting things is unhappiness, so surely having them is happiness…
I don’t know about you, but every time I’ve achieved something I have worked extremely hard for, it’s brought me happiness for a day or so, and then it’s just on to the next thing.
Almost like I’m in pursuit of the wrong thing entirely.
So when will I be good enough?
The Origins of "Enoughness"
Think back to when you were a kid. Not the big, dramatic moments, but the small ones - drawing a picture and showing it to a parent, getting a test score back from your teacher, making a joke to see if someone laughs. Every reaction, every glance, every word leaves a subtle imprint. If success brought you praise, you learned that success equals approval. If people responded to mistakes with disappointment, then failure may have felt like rejection.
I remember when I was seven, my parents were busy with my younger siblings and preparing to move, so I didn't receive much attention for a little while. At school, I was average at most subjects and good at maths. But after we moved, I was suddenly good at most subjects and great at maths (because the tests were easier.)
I proudly told my parents, "Hey Mummy? Daddy? I got full marks in my maths test today!"
Their faces lit up. "Oh wow! We’re so proud!"
Well, I had their attention now…
But here's the thing: those lessons were absorbed by someone who didn't understand the world yet. A child’s brain doesn’t register parental stress and distraction. Instead, it thinks, ‘Maybe I'm not interesting enough.’
Those early interpretations don’t always fade with time; they just become background noise, quietly influencing decisions long after we've forgotten where they started.
Chasing Approval and Avoiding Rejection
Fast-forward to adulthood. That same drive for approval might now look like perfectionism, overachievement, or even, at its extreme, the relentless pursuit of success without ever feeling satisfied. It’s not that striving for goals is bad - far from it. But when success feels like a prerequisite for self-worth, the finish line keeps moving, because success is relative. No matter what you achieve, there's always the next thing, and the question lingers: ‘Is this enough? Am I enough?’
On the other side, the fear of rejection can shape life just as strongly. Not applying for opportunities, not speaking up, not trying new things - all because there's a whisper that says, ‘What will everyone think if you fail?’ Ironically, the cost of rejection is often less than the cost of avoiding it. A missed opportunity might sting in the moment, but the regret of never trying at all can linger much longer.
When I was 12, two girls I really liked rejected me within as many weeks. It stung badly, and it stopped me trying to find a girlfriend - which made me more sad every time I liked a new girl. For years after, I avoided rejection altogether. But the fear wasn’t about never finding love - I was 12 - it was about wanting to stay away from that bad feeling, avoid the hit to my self-esteem, and ignore the idea that I wasn’t good enough for other people (even if I believed it deep down.)
As an example, 4 or 5 years later, when my school was choosing new prefects, I didn't apply because I was afraid of how I would feel if I didn’t get it. Then, a couple of mornings later, my form tutor came to me.
“Hey Ahad, you didn’t apply for Prefect?”
“Yeah… I didn’t really want to...”
“With some of the students that got Prefect this year, I think plenty of the teachers would have voted for you.”
“Oh…”
That’s something I lose no sleep over (because I didn’t really think about it again until coming up with examples for this), but I know it to be just one time in a long list of moments where I wouldn’t dare even think about putting myself forward for an unnecessary rejection, despite there being absolutely zero downside to being rejected.
A Solution?
Here’s a thought to sit with: What if you’re already enough, not because of what you’ve done or will do, but simply because you exist? That doesn’t mean giving up on growth or ambition. It means recognising that your value isn’t a prize at the end of a finish line - it’s something you carry with you, even when you have no end goal in sight.
This isn’t about flipping a switch and suddenly feeling whole. It’s more like noticing. Noticing when you're chasing something for validation instead of genuine interest. Noticing when fear is steering the wheel. And then, gently, asking yourself: ‘What did I actually want before I thought I had to prove something?’
Not everything I wanted as a child was for approval. Some things were just for the joy of it. I wanted to play all the time, learn to skateboard, look like a professional wrestler, and many other trivial things that I stopped myself doing for fear of negative judgement.
So now that I’m listening to that child, I joined an improv class, where I get to be silly and connect with people who enjoy that too. I bought a skateboard. I fall off all the time, but that’s okay. I even grew my hair long like the wrestlers I admired as a kid, and every morning when I see my reflection, it makes me smile.
I personally felt the need to go out and do more things that I hadn’t done, but you may find that you need to do less things, because too much of your day is spent on stuff that you don’t really want to do.
So, when will you be good enough? Maybe that’s not a question with an answer. Maybe a good person with good intentions, completely detached from the superficial opinions of others, won’t need an answer at all.
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When Will You Be Good Enough? (7 mins)
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