Dec '24 (edited) • The Archive 🗂️
Change (5 mins)
"Change only occurs when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of making the change."
I have always taken this aphorism to be an objective truth for the last year and a half of my life. However, what it perhaps doesn't consider is whether change is actually necessary, nor which changes are appropriate. See, you can feel as though you're suffering or stagnant because society demands one thing of you, but your belief system is to the contrary.
I was having a conversation with one of my close friends over the weekend we were talking about life and relationships. My friend told me that I just have to put myself out there more because, in his estimation, I already have the appropriate capabilities to settle down with my life-long partner. Being 22 years old I find this very difficult to believe and hard to take literally and not as some form of flattery or compliment. When I told him I felt as though I needed to make some fundamental changes to my character before I could be ready such as being more assertive and less "wet" he told me that this was nonsense and that when it comes to relationships these sort of personality changes are unnecessary and potentially even damaging.
This conversation made me think. Perhaps sometimes you've gone through enough progression that change is no longer needed. Perhaps what is required is to remain true to your character and to exercise patience.
One advantage of being true to your own vision and conscience is that you won't get what you don't want.
"I didn't want to work somewhere where they didn't want ME. I wanted to go and work somewhere where they wanted ME. So my strategy is, this is who I am, and if you don't want me that's a drag because I'm looking for a job, but at the same time I'm not going to pretend to be someone other than who I am so that I can work here. What a stupid way to start your career (Peterson on Modern Wisdom).
We can substitute relationship in: I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want ME. So my strategy is, this is who I am, and if you don’t want me that’s a drag because I’m looking for a partner, but at the same time I’m not going to pretend to be someone other than who I am so that I can be with you, what a stupid way to start your relationship.
The beauty of being true to yourself, and telling people who you really are is that when an opportunity opens up, it really opens up for YOU not a projection nor character that you've created.
I think Socrates had it right when he said to use the conscience as a moral compass. If you are honest with yourself, you will know if change and personal development is genuinely necessary because you are lacking the sufficient virtues and character to achieve or attain what you want, and what is good. Equally, you know if you have done enough. If you genuinely have done enough then any additional changes you may feel you need to make could be the result of societal pressure or convention rather than what you really want and who you really aspire to be. Sometimes changes may increase your standing in society but they may be detrimental to your character. Perhaps you don't need to change, you just need to be patient and certain that you are who you aim to be.
I don't personally think my friend was entirely accurate that I have the capacity to meet my lifelong partner and make things work right now, if I did then that is what would be happening right now. I therefore do think some progress is needed. However, the conversation made me think. It reminded me not to compromise my principles or character and to stay aligned with what I believe to be right.
To go even further, if you are resolute that you are right in your character, and society juxtaposes you. Perhaps there is a call for action, perhaps an obligation to be the change that you want to see in the world.
Maybe? Who knows? My opinion is subject to change.
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Change (5 mins)
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