🔥
4d (edited) • Mental Health 🧠
Shame and men...
I'm not a man, so I'm not going to pretend that I understand or know what it's like to be a man.
I also don't want to give ANY impression that masculinity or masculine traits are bad or less than. The world NEEDS masculine traits...I think we're in desperate need actually. It's been interesting to see the shift from unhealthy masculinity to the complete oppression of masculinity... Ultimately though, I think that we need humans that can embody a level of wholeness. (the post below mainly focuses on one aspect of this...but there's always more)
I work with men and I love them. I love humanity--with all it's beauty, with all it's ick, with all it's wrestling in the mud...But i think that there's a special place in my heart for men. I can only speak from my experience with interacting with men...so while I'm not a man and can't get the full scope, I'm thankful for being allowed in spaces where they've shared their experiences... In working with men, I get to see the pain that's there, the striving, the need for connection, the fear of failure and fear of not living up to their potential, the things left unsaid or unaddressed because there are certain expectations or there are certain societal waves at play that don't leave a place for men to really speak up without repercussions. Other men experience the opposite--where there's less striving, less leading, less masculine traits presented and they also suffer-from a lack of direction, effectiveness. Some have direction/clarity but the current societal environment doesn't necessarily allow for it. The current environment around how some men are treated is also fascinating and appears to be damaging..A lot of shame can arise in any of these cases. Sometimes some of the men deny that these things even exist in their lives but more often than not, over time there's a realization.
Something that doesn’t get talked about enough is how many high-achieving men end up sabotaging themselves because of the version of masculinity that helped them succeed. The grind, the emotional shutdown, the “handle it alone” mentality--it kinda works, you know? Until it doesn't. Using pain as a fuel source can be really motivating and can feel like "fire under the a$$" but when it seeps in other areas of life, it ends up being messy, painful, harmful. On the other side of the spectrum there are individuals that are lacking clarity in vision/direction and there's little striving/less leading and this contributes to feelings of ineffectiveness, lack of purpose, depression. There are also groups of men that are feeling limited in their ability to move forward due to the current stance of society..
Men (and now women too) are often taught that worth comes from performance, control, and status. (This is not always dressed up as negative messaging growing up---this can happen when someone gets overly positive messages too!) Feelings can get labeled as weakness and needing help feels like failure. Shame creeps in when reality doesn’t match the image they’re supposed to maintain. Instead of addressing that shame directly, it leaks out thorugh other things--through affairs, all sorts of addictions, rage, emotional withdrawal, reckless behavior, or self-destruction. All these are disconnecting in nature--disconnecting from the self and disconnecting from others.
From the outside, it looks like “he had everything and still ruined it.” From the inside, it’s often a man who never learned how to process vulnerability without hating on himself or raging against the world.. We as a society don't do a good job at this and have given mixed messages. Shame tells us to hide. And the behaviors that follow are attempts to escape that exposure often at the cost of something else (careers, marriages or connection in general, health, joyful living)
For a lot of men the "real strength" often comes usually only AFTER the collapse.... When the image cracks. When they’re forced to confront the parts of themselves (or the parts of society) they were trained to suppress. Not by becoming less masculine- but by allowing masculinity to include emotional honesty, accountability, and connection. ******Let me drive this point home, please---This is NOT about shedding of masculinity. Masculine qualities are so needed in this world as these have been suppressed as well. *****
So....i love men and society benefits when we love men well and when men love themselves well.
Poll Question: Many high-achieving men appear successful on the outside but struggle privately. When things start to fall apart, what do you think is usually at the core?
ACTION: What's one action step that you can take towards vulnerability or to making it a safe space for others so they can be vulnerable?
Unprocessed shame: success masks deep insecurity and fear of being “found out”
Toxic masculinity norms : pressure to suppress emotion, avoid help, and perform strength (different than masculinity)
Identity collapse: self-worth tied too tightly to achievement or status
Emotional isolation :no safe place to be honest or vulnerable
Coping through destructive behaviors (addiction, affairs, anger, avoidance)
A mix of all of the above
Something else
14
32 comments
Shame and men...
powered by
skool.com/inspired-life-empowered-being-7894
Supportive environment where we are encouraged to increase our awareness, take action, and thrive through life's many challenges. Inspire.Empower.Live
Suggested communities
Powered by