Is it me? Overcoming personalization · Inspired Life, Empowered Being

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Is it me? Overcoming personalization

𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐳𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧- a cognitive distortion where we automatically assume other people’s behavior is about us. Good times.

Someone seems distant? We assume we did something wrong.

Someone gives criticism? We interpret it as a statement about our worth.

But in reality, what people do is impacted by stress, past experiences, mood, insecurities, cognitive biases, nervous system regulation, and so so many variables we know nothing about.

Not taking things personally is less about “not feeling anything” or "not caring" and more about catching the mental reaction that turns other people’s behavior into a reflection of our worth.

Here are some steps that we can take to work towards this decreasing personalization so we can engage with reality for what it is 😊

1. 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 (what story are we telling ourselves)

The trigger is usually fast (someone's short with us, someone leaves us out, someone says something unkind). Our mind, which tries to analyze and problem solve goes into meaning making “They don’t like me,” “I did something wrong,” “I’m not enough.”

So first, notice if there is a story.

2. 𝐒𝐞𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲

Split what actually happened from what you made it mean:

Fact: “They replied with one word.”

Story: “They’re annoyed with me. I’m bothering them. They don't like me.” (this in turn is often related to a fear we have, often around loss--rejection, abandonment, disconnection)

Most emotional pain lives in the story, not the fact.

3. 𝐍𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐠𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 (personalization in this case)

Labeling creates distance. Instead of becoming enmeshed, we become more observant and when we are observant we have a balcony view.

4. If we're going to be creative, let's add some more creativity...maybe. C𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 2–3 𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 .

This is about forcing our brain out of the tunnel and not about trying to pick the “best” explanatio. (We're just breaking the illusion that there’s only one explanation).

5. 𝐑𝐞-𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐨 𝐚 𝐛𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡

This is the antidote to self-centered thinking:

Most people are not thinking about us nearly as much as we assume (I'm sure sometimes we wish that they would though).

6. 𝐑𝐞𝐠𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐡𝐢𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠

If our nervous system is activated, we don't need to analyze yet. Let's feel the feeling and let it flow through and recalibrate physically.

(Breath work; untense your body- notice that it's likely bracing for impact,pause before responding)

Personalization feels true when we’re emotionally flooded, so regrounding our nervous system is important.

7. 𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲, 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

Questions to ask:

“If I assume neutrality, what would I do next?”

“What response actually fits the situation?”

This is about response instead of reaction.

8. 𝐑𝐞𝐟𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝

What triggered me?

What story did I attach?

Was there evidence for it?

What can I learn?

***I do think it's important to reflect on what's happening both internally and externally.

𝐔𝐥𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐥𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐯𝐞𝐬. We can own our stuff and how we impact others and we can also allow others to own their stuff without taking on more than what belongs to us****

(I may do another post in the future about taking feedback because sometimes we take things personally when there can be a really good opportunity to learn about ourselves and grow. If people are "checking us" and we know they're looking out for us, we would be doing a disservice to ourselves and them to get defensive rather than to learn)

Question: what do you do when something feels personal?

Poll: do you take things personally?

Yes, if I personalize it then I can fix it

Yes, because I fear rejection, abandonment, disconnection

Yes, what people think of me matters

Sometimes, especially with people I care about

Sometimes but only because I want to grow

I own what's mine and relinquish what's not

No, What other people think or do is none of my business. They can tell me if they have an issue

Other

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