11d • Just Checking In
Metallica and the little boy
I was meant to be going to Metallica tonight with new friends I have made. I was offered last week a free ticket to go which I was excited about. Got the call today to be told we have 6 golden tickets and 2 general admission tickets. My new friend Armand said that his other friends wanted the tickets from last January so I felt guilty and said to give the tickets to his other friends. I was afraid to speak up and say I wanted to be with the group not on my own. Even if we had terrible tickets that's fine because I get to enjoy the experience with people. But I want to go and have fun
Welcome home (self pity) ha... if you're a Metallica fan you'll understand that.
I didn't want to go to Metallica on my own being separated from my friends but I chose not to say that.
Instead I chose to be play an act of 'have a great time' 'have fun don't worry about it', while I feel ultimately hurt. I don't want to be on my own or left out.
Why do I feel hurt? I feel hurt because I feel rejected, unworthy, not good enough. I feel hurt because it brings up emotion of old pains of feeling I've been left behind again, that I don't matter. The little boy in me has shouted today which I gave into. Now I feel ashamed of myself, I feel weak with a loud voice in my head that really wants to tear myself to shreds you're fat, ugly, nobody likes you, nobody cares about you, you don't deserve anything good and it's all your fault because you are pathetic. So I want to stay in bed, escape into sleeping, bed rotting, phone, porn or food later on to numb myself out in attempt to make myself feel better but ultimately makes me hate myself afterwards knowing I should not be acting out in these behaviors. I hate self loathing, I find it overwhelming and I drown in it too easily. It pulls me down and I drown in it. I pick apart everything that I think is wrong with me. I feel hopeless, I shut down. I want help but don't think anyone cares. I want someone to save me but it never happens. I project anger out at the world wanting to blame everyone who hurt me. Ego climbs higher I get more angry and resentful.
There will be a birthday party on Monday. Already I don't want to go now because I feel they have hurt me and I want to isolate. I just further hurt myself. Self pity. I find it so hard to push myself to connect with others because I am so afraid of others hurting me/rejecting me. those experiences with others have happened a bit recently, so I automatically want to pull back to protect myself, isolation again.
So much of this stems from hurt when I was small. The hurt is obvious it is still being carried around. I feel I can accept the little me in me so much more then I could. I was able to shed 2 tears earlier when the emotions were quite strong. I felt so small and fragile.
I feel quite tired now and I would like to get back into bed and shut off. Instead i'm at the table typing this considering making another cup of coffee
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Metallica and the little boy
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