I was meant to be going to Metallica tonight with new friends I have made. I was offered last week a free ticket to go which I was excited about. Got the call today to be told we have 6 golden tickets and 2 general admission tickets. My new friend Armand said that his other friends wanted the tickets from last January so I felt guilty and said to give the tickets to his other friends. I was afraid to speak up and say I wanted to be with the group not on my own. Even if we had terrible tickets that's fine because I get to enjoy the experience with people. But I want to go and have fun Welcome home (self pity) ha... if you're a Metallica fan you'll understand that. I didn't want to go to Metallica on my own being separated from my friends but I chose not to say that. Instead I chose to be play an act of 'have a great time' 'have fun don't worry about it', while I feel ultimately hurt. I don't want to be on my own or left out. Why do I feel hurt? I feel hurt because I feel rejected, unworthy, not good enough. I feel hurt because it brings up emotion of old pains of feeling I've been left behind again, that I don't matter. The little boy in me has shouted today which I gave into. Now I feel ashamed of myself, I feel weak with a loud voice in my head that really wants to tear myself to shreds you're fat, ugly, nobody likes you, nobody cares about you, you don't deserve anything good and it's all your fault because you are pathetic. So I want to stay in bed, escape into sleeping, bed rotting, phone, porn or food later on to numb myself out in attempt to make myself feel better but ultimately makes me hate myself afterwards knowing I should not be acting out in these behaviors. I hate self loathing, I find it overwhelming and I drown in it too easily. It pulls me down and I drown in it. I pick apart everything that I think is wrong with me. I feel hopeless, I shut down. I want help but don't think anyone cares. I want someone to save me but it never happens. I project anger out at the world wanting to blame everyone who hurt me. Ego climbs higher I get more angry and resentful.

Today has been a busy day of group chats, voice notes, 1:1 video calls and a lot typing. I am not so great for journaling, I can do it, but I'm not great for actually sitting down and putting pen to paper. I think I might just drop in sharing videos as it's a little easier to express myself that way, I've just sent a friend a 22 minute voice note update and I've sent @Rob Buswell a 10 minute video of myself rambling about today and what's going on in my head. Can I write that much, absolutely not ha Does journaling help me be more direct in what I need to say or just talking and let whatever needs to come out come out in the middle of all my nonsense talking . Also I am afraid of when I do journal that someone will find my writings when I'm dead and just laugh at me. Although I'm dead how can I be embarrassed ha. Good night

Looking for ideas on what to go further into - what do you want to discuss?

I get lost sometimes in life feeling like I don't need anybody, stay alone, keep walls up, better off alone. Usually that's backed up with some victumhood anger. Feeling sorry for myself is a poisin I keep drinking, it's very familiar and I can get great milage out of it. Even choosing to buy a house, I search for houses without a neighbour close by, I want distance and separation. When I get what I want if being totally alone I get upset and wonder why nobody cars, more victumhood drama story in my head. Finding a men's community I'm feeling conflicted, I'm showing up for myself and hoping others do too... but they dont... not too the level I want. Navigating the current frustrations I have is exhausting. I'm either all in or out. Which is another theme in my life of all or nothing. Swinging me back into I'm better off alone, swinging back into isolation and victumhood. A man can do a lot of work on his own but there is also strength in numbers. Feeling deflated trying to put best foot forward for myself and it's not meeting my expectations. Guilty of building a lovely sandcastle and knock it down because I'm not in control of my anger. Suppress vs express. Ramble over

First off just want to say I’m delighted to have @Stephane Vandomme join us. Hey brother! For some context, Stéphane and I met years ago at a mankind event and then separately at a retreat in France. We spoke recently and a topic that came up was accountability buddies. We didn’t go into it but I wanted to write out some thoughts that many of us can all benefit from. First off, I think accountability buddies are a very helpful structure. I’ve used them plenty of times in my life. I think it works on the same principles as having a coach, being part of a mastermind group, and having a job. I think we all need support in our life - and for me it’s around the topics and projects on which I’m not internally motivated enough to follow up on. Because we each have the ability to follow through on things - but we struggle when there aren’t enough reasons that actually means something to us. Thats when we need someone else. For example, if your house was on fire right now, I have no doubt you have enough motivation to get up. Or if you had to be up at 4 am tomorrow morning to receive €1 million - you would be and it would be easy for you. But we all know there is more complexity to this stuff than that.