I’m a goals oriented person. Things happen in my life when I set and chase goals. And I drift when I don’t. So I’m starting to think about my goals for next year. Personal and professional. Here is part of the framework I’m using.

I was meant to be going to Metallica tonight with new friends I have made. I was offered last week a free ticket to go which I was excited about. Got the call today to be told we have 6 golden tickets and 2 general admission tickets. My new friend Armand said that his other friends wanted the tickets from last January so I felt guilty and said to give the tickets to his other friends. I was afraid to speak up and say I wanted to be with the group not on my own. Even if we had terrible tickets that's fine because I get to enjoy the experience with people. But I want to go and have fun Welcome home (self pity) ha... if you're a Metallica fan you'll understand that. I didn't want to go to Metallica on my own being separated from my friends but I chose not to say that. Instead I chose to be play an act of 'have a great time' 'have fun don't worry about it', while I feel ultimately hurt. I don't want to be on my own or left out. Why do I feel hurt? I feel hurt because I feel rejected, unworthy, not good enough. I feel hurt because it brings up emotion of old pains of feeling I've been left behind again, that I don't matter. The little boy in me has shouted today which I gave into. Now I feel ashamed of myself, I feel weak with a loud voice in my head that really wants to tear myself to shreds you're fat, ugly, nobody likes you, nobody cares about you, you don't deserve anything good and it's all your fault because you are pathetic. So I want to stay in bed, escape into sleeping, bed rotting, phone, porn or food later on to numb myself out in attempt to make myself feel better but ultimately makes me hate myself afterwards knowing I should not be acting out in these behaviors. I hate self loathing, I find it overwhelming and I drown in it too easily. It pulls me down and I drown in it. I pick apart everything that I think is wrong with me. I feel hopeless, I shut down. I want help but don't think anyone cares. I want someone to save me but it never happens. I project anger out at the world wanting to blame everyone who hurt me. Ego climbs higher I get more angry and resentful.

Performed. Pushing the envelope. Learning new skills. You guys try anything new recently?

You guys got anything cool going on today? (Totally appreciate half the community hasn’t had a look in ages but Im still gonna show up here for whoever is around) It’s my brother’s birthday and we’re off for a lunch now. —- I also just posted a longer piece on this on LinkedIn; about the importance of rest days for me now. I’ve put it below 🙂 — For many years, I got sucked into hustle culture rationale and worked on weekends as well as through the week. That’s necessary sometimes, maybe you’re right in the middle of the launch phase of your start-up, or fighting fires at work. But I’d argue that for many it’s not necessary, or even the most effective solution for planning your week. As a ‘knowledge worker’, my contributions don’t increase linearly based on time. One good idea, well-structured and executed, can be worth much more than hours spent on mid (or bad ideas). Resting fully means I’m more focused, creative and effective on work days. More importantly to me, it gives me some space for other parts of my life besides work - my partner, time outdoors, and hobby activities. These are sources of meaning for me, and are all part of my sustainable work-life balance. So enjoy your weekend, and have a Sunday funday.

Today I was in a speech competition with some really fantastic speakers from across Poland. Didn’t win. But actually had a great day. Lot of fun. Learned a lot. That said, I got some shit ‘feedback’ from the contest organiser and the area leader. She said she wanted to talk to me in a normal tone, and then asked me ‘what happened’? Before launching into a monologue on how my speech totally bombed. Totally unstructured; very little useful content for me to work with. I was caught off guard, because I didn’t expect feedback on the speech, and as an area leader I expected a higher standard of communication from her. In MKP we talk about having a shield - this was a moment I didn’t have mine ready, and her words had too much impact because I wasn’t postured appropriately. I was demotivated after hearing that. But within an hour or so I’d set it aside and was back to having a good time. This might sound basic. But even just a few years ago, this kind of thing would have totally ruined my day, and sent me into a shame spiral. So my unexpected Win today, is realising how much more resilient I have become over the recent years. Mainly thanks to men’s work and the work I’ve put in. Have a blessed weekend. J