4d • General discussion
off the cliff of my old life
I realized I didn't want to die,
I stood by a cliff and I tested it,
my body said no, I didn't want to die,
not now, not like this,
my ultimate goal is to avoid pain by jumping,
to make it stop.
I used to think it was so stupid to choose pain,
sorry Lee, but I guess you're right.
I'll one day die anyway, be it sooner or later,
so I've committed to the life of being me.
It's surely not so fun all the time,
it feels like I'm standing on that hill called vulnerability, naked,
bracing myself for spears and swords that might get flung my way.
I believe when most of us say we want to die,
it's not really the desire to not have life anymore,
but for the pain to end,
To find a way out,
that sense of complete powerlessness to create a life that feels good,
I guess - in a way - I've been asked to jump,
off the cliff of my old life and into a vast space I can't recognize as my life yet,
into a version of me I don't quite know how to be or love yet.
My future is connection, but my mind only knows my past,
so my future looks unknown, but also vast with potential.
I have no idea what it means to live a life full of connection,
to have people close to me,
friends, family, or even a lover.
I'll jump, but I find myself bracing myself,
I'll feel pain for sure - old pain, insecurities,
I'm sure they will all be dragged to the surface of me now.
But it's worth the price of wanting to live my life,
to not wake up in dread, to not be stuck in my old prison called a life in comfort.
I'm tired of getting lost in my own creations,
and I'm ready to take a chance.
My ultimate goal now is to face pain by jumping in,
so that I can come through to the other side, to a new unknown world.
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Thank you for letting me share this here.
I feel like everything I write and say is so dumb, ( MY MIND WANT TO PICK EVERY WORD APART )
but I guess that's a part of it. Maybe it shouldn't be a stop sign.
That pain can be a go-forward sign, and not a sign to retreat back inward to hide.
I try to write just whatvever I feel, but sometimes different parts of me gets in the way "no this isnt good enough - do we even get this?" I realize most of the emotional writing I do never makes so much sense in the moment, it's like I cant really fully take in my own feelings.
I don't know what connection means, so I'll just try.
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off the cliff of my old life
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