I see you - I feel at times in a similar spot. If only the bad situation was better, but no matter the situation there is always a space and chance to meet our feelings head on. No situation needs to be perfect for us to be present with our selfs. Tenderness for ourself can even be found in the eye of the storm. I pulled three cards from a oracle deck called Wild Kuan Yin (you can find them online too)... I find that those messages always resonate verry deeply for me, so I'd like to share the them with you too. Read all or pick one, whatever feels right. Always trust your heart but dare to face it even when it feels uncomfortable or scary! I learned that lesson tonight - I felt I started to feel scared, I was alone at I was about to go to bed. The fear started to nag at me - my mind started to show me scary images, what if it happens again? I knew I try to avoid it, be strong It will wake me up after just an hour, that is how that goes. I went to bed without comforting or facing this fear. Of course I had horrible sleep with night terrors and woke up an hour later. All I could do was be present with it. I still feel it today. The fear became like a thin layer around my heart, liek cold air, seperating me from it. But I know I need to keep being present with it. I believe some of it is PTSD, unresolved emotions. And on the other side I might need to have some conversations, and maybe even take some actions that will create soothing and a sense of safty in my life. If im not really present and listening to my heart how can I know what it really needs? I was cought up in fear all night long, until i realized it wont go away until i go into it and stay present with it. (A tricky issue is that the moment we want to go into an emotion to get away from it, that is resistance to the emotion to begin with. Of course no one wants to feel afraid or have night terrors, but its gonna be like its own little joureny where my heart will show me and let me feel what I need to - all in order to heal and integrate.)

I realize I need to get help with healing and overcoming my depression. I can’t be alone in it and expect things to just get better by themselves…. I want my main focus to be on feeling better first… I can’t force myself to work hard, or to even feel passion or purpose for anything I do, if the underlying current in my life is a feeling of despair. I can’t move on and work hard for my dreams, when I feel it might all fail in healing me. Because ultimately, as beautiful as many of my dreams are, they wont be the source of the healing i’m searching for and I know that. I know that I need to prioritize how I feel first, to heal first, before I try to achieve or do anything with my life. Because I can’t anymore, I can’t go and pretend that I feel normal, or that I’m able to function normally, because I’m not. I spend so much of my time just wanting to be dead. Just hoping to somehow end up somewhere else in my life. A place I’m somehow happier, and more capable of achieving the things I want to. I know at the bottom of my depression lies the truth of - I feel completely alone in life. Lee did point me in the right direction. But I still haven't talked about my depression openly with those around me. The thought hit me today, that maybe I really should get help. Maybe there is a way for me to not be alone in this...

@Sherry Patterson it can definitely be... It's really hard to notice in the moment because it becomes almost all consuming.

Want to be there 😪 but It will be 2 AM here when it starts, but one can try... Maybe!

Just chillin 😆 Waiting for bedtime to arrvie lol... either than that i've been writing on and off on an article of sorts... I even went for a walk and got the photos I need for it... thought, I'm not so sure if I'm really going to share it anyway... We'll see, time will tell. There's some new infrastructure that is planned to be built on what has become our out door region... It's close and connected to my favorite place on the island, and the whole idea of loosing that wilderness has had me on an emotional rollercoaster. I woke up super early today, just asking myself while half awake - It can't be true? this has to be a joke? This can't be real... So after hustling with that most of the day, all while getting a meager amount of three hours of sleep... I can tell I am ready for sleep lol....

That's a really beautiful idea, I like that.