From seeking to surrendering: My journey with plant medicines.

I’ve walked the path of plant medicine for years,

Iboga, Ayahuasca, Bufo, mushrooms, marijuana, Kambo. Each time, I thought, This is it. This is the one that will finally fix me. I kept chasing that breakthrough, believing that just one more journey would get me where I needed to be. And while each medicine gifted me profound realizations, the pursuit itself became an addiction, always seeking, never arriving.

After my last Ayahuasca ceremony, something shifted. I realized… There is nothing to fix. Nothing was ever broken. What I needed wasn’t another medicine, another ceremony, another deep dive into my subconscious. What I needed was integration, to stop seeking, start living differently and start showing up authentically embracing not only my angel side but my devil side too. I realised no plant, no teacher, no external experience can turn me into the person I want to be. Only my actions, my choices, my willingness to show up differently every single day can do that.

And that’s when I decided, I was done. No more medicine. No more searching. Just integration.

But then, San Pedro found me.

Unlike before, I wasn’t looking for it, it came to me through my friend. He told me it was a heart-opening medicine, very gentle unlike the other medicines I tried. So, I sat with it, setting just one intention: to allow. To let go of expectations. To stop controlling. To receive whatever was meant for me.

An hour passed. Then two. And… nothing.

My friend, who took it with me, was already deep in his journey. I, on the other hand, was sitting there waiting, waiting to feel something, waiting for the shift, waiting for it to work. Frustration crept in. I started questioning, and somewhere in my mind came to a decision that ‘this is a waste of my time and money, it doesnt work and I dont like it.’

We kept walking, and eventually, we reached a cave. I sat down. And suddenly… it hit me.

I wasn’t allowing anything.

I was expecting, expecting San Pedro to feel like the other medicines I had taken, expecting it to match my past experiences, expecting it to do something to me. But true allowing means letting go of everything I think I know. It means being open to what is, instead of trying to shape things into what I want them to be or what I thought I knew.

And in that moment, I didn’t just understand it, I felt it in my body.

Allowing isn’t waiting for something to make us feel a certain way.

Allowing is surrendering to the unknown, with an open heart.

Allowing is being willing to receive life as it comes, not as we expect it to be or as we know it.

It was a lesson that didn’t come through visions or intense revelations. It came through stillness, through presence, through simply being. Unlike other medicines that can shake you to your core with their intensity, San Pedro held me like a wise grandfather, gently, patiently, lovingly. The insights didn’t hit me like a storm; they unfolded in their own time, settling into my body, my breath, my soul.

And in the end, the medicine I thought was doing nothing… became my greatest teacher of all. It didnt overloaded me with lessons in my mind, it helped me embody the lessons.

For anyone out there constantly seeking, waiting for something outside of you to make you feel different, to heal you, to give you the answers, I see you. I was you. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this:

You don’t need another thing to fix you.

You are not broken.

Stop seeking. Stop waiting. Just allow.

But also, take action.

Allowing isn’t just about surrendering; it’s about stepping into the unknown with trust. It’s about doing things you’ve never done before, making choices beyond your old patterns, and allowing those choices to reshape you. It’s about taking action, not with attachment, not expecting a specific outcome, but simply moving forward and allowing whatever unfolds.

Because that’s the truth: you don’t control the results. You only control your willingness to show up differently. Some actions will lead exactly where you hoped. Others won’t. But every single one will take you somewhere new, somewhere meant for you.

So take the step. Let go of the outcome.

Take action. Allow. Trust.

And life will unfold in ways more beautiful than you could have ever planned.

With love,

Khaytham

4 comments