Day8: I Learned to Survive the Battlefield

[Shield Awareness Exercise]

I realize that even while writing this homework, part of me wants to sound composed and strong.

That’s been my armor for most of my life. I don’t fully know how to take it off yet, but I’m willing to practice here. This may be longer than usual, but it feels important to share.

Identify your emotional shield:

My emotional shield is strength and hyper-independence.

I learned early that being strong meant being safe.

If I was number one, I was valued.

If I didn’t lose, I wouldn’t fall behind.

As a transfer student, I learned how quickly you can become a target.

Later, as an international student, I experienced discrimination in the USA.

In male-dominated engineering environments, I felt I had to work harder than everyone else to be taken seriously.

For over a decade in Japan, I functioned on three to four hours of sleep for nearly twelve years. I pushed through physical exhaustion, migraines, dizziness, and even hearing loss. Rest felt like weakness. Slowing down felt like losing.

It felt like a battlefield.

So I built armor.

I told myself:

I will not lose.

I will not be weaker.

I will not need anyone.

Over time, that armor became my identity.

In my private life, I felt I had to be the supportive partner — the good woman, the capable girlfriend, the one who uplifts and strengthens the man beside her.

At work, I had to be the competent professional, the strong engineer, the capable leader.

I was always the one who had to fight alone.

Always the one who carried.

Always the one who supported.

But deep down, I wanted to be supported too.

Then reflect on:

What emotion is this shield protecting me from?

It protects me from the fear that if I am not strong, I am not worthy.

It protects me from the fear of being dismissed or underestimated.

It protects me from the fear of being vulnerable and not being chosen.

But underneath all of that is something softer.

It protects me from admitting that I wanted to lean on someone.That I wanted to rest.That I wanted to feel safe enough to stop fighting.