asking for advice... (share your thoughts in the comments) boundaries and expectations in relationships

Aaron Doughty

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Jun '25 (edited) • General discussion

“Where have you been?”

“You’re never around anymore…”

“You used to be… what happened?”

“Do you not value our friendship?”

These are some things that a friend of mine was hearing from her friends a few days ago

She reached out to me for advice and a new perspective since she views me as being great at setting boundaries and not feeling guilty about it

She has been focused on her business, a new relationship that is forming and also wanting some space to come back to herself

And now friends that are used to her at max availability are wondering where she is and why she isn’t around

I asked her a question…

When did you decide that it was your responsibility to manage their expectations of you?

I then went on to explain that there were a few layers to look at that could trigger an insight or breakthrough

The first thing I said was…

Your friends were used to a certain dosage of you… you are fun and bring alot of playful energy to the people in your life… and they probably love that and maybe even rely on that

Now that the dosage is changing, there are some “protest” behaviors coming out to get you back to where you were

I encouraged her to look to see if any of these “ties” were rooted in codependency

Needing someone else to meet your needs or feeling responsible for another is usually tied to codependency

Sometimes empaths take on the energy of others too…

Which leads to if the friends feel tension then THEY feel the tension

And they may feel responsible for mitigating it

I invited her to use the mantra of…

“That’s THEIR stuff not mine…”

She also has the choice whether she internalizes the situation at all

“I’m a bad friend” etc could be a meaning giving but that doesn’t have to be the choice

In the past it could of been

The alternative is to enable her friends and cater to them but then to abandon herself

This isn’t love and connection though, it is codependency

Its is taking on other peoples energies and feeling that unless you do, you will be abandoned

But then you abandon yourself in the process

The other invitation I had for my friend was to be vulnerable and to express herself to her friends…

Something like…

“Hey, I want you to know I value our friendship and I acknowledge that I am not around as much as I used to be…I have been passionate about a new business project and been seeing a new potential partner… I would love to catch up soon when I can and want you to know that even though I don't see you as much I still value our friendship.”

Or she could be like…

“THAT’S YOUR STUFF NOT MINE!” IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO SOOTHE YOU? DO I OWE YOU MY GOOD VIBES?”

Just kidding lol

She just responded to me as I am writing this lol!

She said that while listening to the voicenote I sent…she realized…

She had a belief that “if I don't show up, they won't be my friends anymore and then I’ll be alone forever and just have 9 cats as my only friends”

Lol isn’t it funny how the beliefs and mind works!

Maybe your breakthrough is around having a vulnerable conversation and rebalancing the dynamic

Maybe it's around letting them sit with the tension and feeling inside your body knowing it’s not your responsibility

Either way if this is you… YOU CAN DO IT!

Reality is mirroring your relationship to it and as you embody this empowered you, you will attract reciprocal relationships that feel good

What do you think about this? What would you say if a friend asked you for advice on this?