Aaron said something that changed my life

I’ve been working at making a living in my own unique way for almost 2 and a half years now after leaving a senior leadership role in the tech industry.

I’ve tried and failed at more things than I can count in that time. But I’ve never given up hope. I kept trying new ideas and approaches with the conviction that eventually something would work and I’d be making a living doing things I love—writing, expressing myself creatively (including as a guitar player and singer), teaching, connecting with amazing people all around the world, healing and exploring and expanding my own consciousness, and consciousness as a whole, since we are all deeply connected.

When I left the tech industry, I was familiar with the concept of intuition but it didn’t exist in my own experience of life. I was living in my head, in a story of what I was supposed to be doing, a victim of what other people expected of me, disconnected from my feelings, afraid that it might be too late for me to become who I was really meant to be, but with a sense that something else was possible.

And so when I embarked on the journey of discovering my own authentic livelihood, I couldn’t help but act in all the ways I’d spent my life learning to act—seeking attention (on social media), pushing myself to work as hard as I could, trying to constantly figure out what I was meant to be doing, overthinking everything, not asking for help when I needed it, trusting other people’s opinions and perspectives over my own, desperately praying that something would finally take off so that I would finally be able to relax in the knowing that what I wanted was possible. But that relaxation was endlessly elusive and continued to be something that existed in the future.

And then one day, Aaron came up in my feed.

And he gave me a lifeline.

He talked about how he received an impulse to just start creating a daily video—which proved to be the beginning of his success as a creator.

And I knew there was something in that for me…

The idea of an impulse about what to do.

And so I set to work at finding my own impulse.

The thing that wasn’t the result of me trying to figure things out, or do what worked for others, but instead the thing that the universe was guiding me to do—to find my own unique form of success.

It turns out my impulse, is the exact thing I’d spent my life denying. The thing I built my career to avoid feeling or thinking about.

My impulse, it turned out, was to open up. Start telling my story. To feel my feelings. To talk openly about what I’ve been going through over the past couple of years, like I’m doing here—because there’s no shame in ANY of it! And maybe most importantly, to talk about what I went through as a kid—losing my father to suicide at 4 years old, then essentially losing my mother as well because she was unable to cope with the loss, and then tolerating abuse for the rest of my childhood because the man she got remarried to (it took a long time to arrive at this word) abused my mother and myself.

I spent my life with a self-hatred so deep that in many ways it’s a miracle that I’m still alive. But through it all—all the work I’ve done over decades to heal, and the work I’ve done throughout my life to arrive at my unique purpose or my “Personal Legend” as Paulo Cohelo called it in The Alchemist, I finally realize that I am nothing other than uniquely human. Just like all of us—trying to overcome my personal limitations to fulfill the intangible things that I dream of when I lie in bed at night and wake up in the morning. Praying that one day it would all make sense and that my suffering would stop running so deep. Most of all, praying that one day I would finally feel empowered to create my life the way I wanted it to be and as good as I knew it could be.

After all this time, I feel empowered.

I know my future is more in my hands than it’s ever been—largely because I’m finally ready to show up fully in the present. I’m not afraid of my story any more. I’m not afraid of vulnerability. I’m not afraid of taking imperfect action. And I’m not afraid to be me.

And most importantly, it didn’t come from anything outside of myself. It came from a decision within myself to believe, to “act as if,” and to allow myself to keep dreaming, and to know that I have the power to show up fully and write the next chapter of my story.

I’m honored to be here, and grateful for people like Aaron (and whoever else is reading this) who commit to the healing process, and who choose to be a light for others who are still finding their way back home.

As Ram Dass said:

“We’re all just waking each other home.”

I’ve never believed this more deeply.

Whoever you are, and even if we’ve never met, thanks for walking with me on the long journey back home.

PS. Skool won’t let me edit it, but “Carton” is a pen name.

Who I am really am is “The Midlife Mystic.”

PPS. I’d be being dishonest if I didn’t say I still doubt myself all the time. I think the key is to see through the doubt, so that eventually it stops having such a grip—and then just falls away.

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Aaron said something that changed my life