May 11 • COMPASS METHOD
Me first I guess…
Recently I was helping to transition my father from treatment into Hospice at home care. He was then going about twice a week into the hospital during the cold of Buffalo NY winter. I could see that this was becoming less a less of an option by the day. So I was able after some time to talk him into getting the drain put in to his stomach wall that would relieve him and my mother of needing to go the city multiple times a week into the cold and snow and him suffering in immense pain before every draining procedure..I was there when he was onboarded through Hospice and ensured he would finally be on the medication he needed and would actually help him. I took the coming days on where I changed the bottles of fluid and pulled the fluid off his stomach wall when I knew my mother wasn’t sure of herself yet to do so. I’ve helped him comply when he wouldn’t. I’ve sat with him in moments most people couldn’t stomach. And I’ve done it while being painted as the unstable one — by the same family members who spent the previous years making sure I’d be excluded from the will, after being told my entire adult like that I was going to receive half of my fathers share of his inheritance from his father… and also being told I would get things of mine back that I had traded for help in getting a lawyer that the deal was upon his death I would get them all back. So quickly of course things change… and of course I’m not even giving you a 10th of what else has been done to me and how I’ve suffered over the these years and still I’ve tried to help when I could and be there when I shouldn’t but I guess I finally see that none of it mattered anyway because when you have a group of people willing to do everything it takes to make you look bad, unfit, unstable and horrible it’s gonna be damn hard to prove yourself AND WHY BOTHER TRYING ANYWAY. But you still have a feeling of need and want to respond… so you do or don’t and honestly both are ok.
That’s the part of caregiving nobody writes about.
Not just the exhaustion. Not just the medical stuff. The emotional gauntlet of doing the hardest work while being mocked for “not being able to handle it.” The whiplash of being suddenly “needed” by people who, six months ago, wanted you out of their lives. The strange position of being both essential AND disposable in the same system.
If any of that sounds familiar — you are not alone.
Here are some things I’ve learned the hard way:
🌱 You will not be thanked the way you deserve. Caregiving is mostly invisible until something goes wrong, and then suddenly you’re a target. Do it anyway.
🌱 The person you’re caring for may not be the same person they used to be. Disease, dementia, medication, fear — they change people. The hardest part is grieving the person you love while still showing up for the person they’ve become.
🌱 You’re allowed to resent the role. Loving someone doesn’t mean loving caregiving. Both are true at once.
🌱 The exhaustion is bone-deep, and it’s real. It’s not “in your head.” Caregiving has documented effects on the body, including immune system breakdown. Take care of yourself like your life depends on it — because it does.
🌱 You will need to set limits, even if no one supports you in it. Your “no” is sometimes the only thing protecting you.
🌱 Grief while caregiving is real. It’s called anticipatory grief. You’re not crazy for already mourning while they’re still alive.
If you’re in the middle of caregiving right now — I see you. The work you’re doing is sacred even when nobody else seems to notice.
💬 Your turn:
Who are you caring for, and what’s the hardest part of it right now?
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Me first I guess…
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