I've Been Borrowing Other People's Personalities My Whole Life

Do you see mirroring as something to accept and continue or something to fix?

I learned to mirror people before I even knew it had a name.

Socially awkward doesn't quite cover it. I genuinely don't know how to do a lot of things that come naturally to other people — so I research them. I ask people how they handle certain situations and get that look. The "what do you mean" look. Because they just... do "people-ing". Without thinking. Without a framework. Without googling "how to act normal in a networking event."

So I watched. I synced up. I borrowed.

It makes sense when you understand the wiring behind it. Years of being told you're too much, too loud, too intense, too weird — your brain learns that matching other people is safer than being yourself. It's not copying. It's self-protection that got really good at its job.

The problem is it follows you into your business.

It shows up in networking, on sales calls, in group coaching, in content creation, in how you price your offers and position your work. You mirror what seems to be working for someone else. You soften the parts of yourself that feel like too much. You build offers that look like what you think people want instead of what you actually do best.

And then one day you start to notice it. And that moment — realizing you've been doing it — is the worst and best thing at the same time.

Worst because you start seeing how much trouble it caused. How many decisions weren't really yours. How many times you showed up as a slightly blurred version of yourself.

Best because you can't unsee it. Noticing it is the beginning of something real.

The hard part that comes after is that when you try to stop mirroring, you realize you don't quite know who you are without it or how to act. That's not a crisis — that's just where the actual work starts. Slowly figuring out which parts are genuinely you, and which parts you picked up somewhere along the way for safety.

We all learn from our environment, but what I'm talking about is more about copying things that don't fit you because they were safe vs changing as you learn and grow.

Like me trying to wear high heels to events because all the badass women I know strut around in them. The real me hates wearing them and prefers a sensible shoe where I don't have to worry about falling over standing still.

Or me letting this CREEPY clown push me into a selfie at a conference in Vegas is NOT me, but dancing and singing outside a karaoke bar while we're walking down the street is totally me.

For what it's worth: the real you — the awkward, researching, over-thinking, deeply caring version of you — I don't think that's a liability in your business. It's actually the thing that makes your work specific enough to matter to the right people.

0:26

5 comments