5d (edited) • Faith for Freethinkers
Michael Shoeman Talks About Sins of The Father
This incident happened a few months ago. It is very similar to some of the other stories I've shared, but somehow, I have lately been finding the universal relevance in these interactions with my kids.
Micah dressed up as a ghost with the intention of scaring me. I chucked and pretended to be scared.
He threw the costume down and was legitimately and visibly very angry.
I asked him what was wrong.
"I have been trying for THREE YEARS to scare you for real! I have been failing over and over again!"
This tantrum genuinely concerned me. So, when he took the moment to breathe I asked him, "Why is it so important to you that you scare me, Micah?"
"There you go being all wise again, Daddy! Your words and questions don't help me. I am a failure!"
With that response I realized I was genuinely frightened. I started asking myself some intimidating questions: How much am I responsible for this insecurity? In what ways might I have role modeled thinking of myself as a failure? Did my son inherit something about me that I was afraid to look at? Is this something 'wisdom' can't really help or fix?
For the first time in years, I was genuinely in fear. No anger. No sadness. No shame or guilt. Just genuine fear.
"Micah. I want to say something. This is not me trying to be 'wise', but I want to be completely honest with you. At this moment I am really scared. What scares me the most is that you are beating yourself up for my mistakes. It scares me that you are being so hard on yourself because it reminds me of how hard I have been on myself my whole life. It really scares me that at eight years old you are being so rough on yourself. So you have succeeded in scaring me without even trying. No, it's not about being afraid of a ghost or a demon. And, Micah, let's be honest, I am not scared of things like that. You have instead tapped a primal fear in me...that I am failing as a father. Because I love you more than anything. It hurts me to see that you have inherited my habits of being a tyrant to myself."
We sat in silence for a while. I had to trust my son that these words were reaching him. I didn't know if he could grasp that he was not only successful, but triumphant, in his intention to frighten me. His triumph in this moment illuminated all of my failures.
The cultural relevance for me is how those who are still maturing emotionally would rather be feared than loved. To intimidate instead of just being honest and vulnerable.
Maybe this is how we might start a new conversation? Maybe this is how to find the success in failure? Maybe this is how we begin to change things?
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Michael Shoeman Talks About Sins of The Father
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Overthinking and feeling miserable? The answer isn’t out there, it’s in you. A quiet wisdom that’s been with you all along.
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