The Freedom on the Other Side of Myself
Sober in Thailand — Day 3 Without Nicotine........ There’s a strange kind of freedom you only discover after you stop letting your own habits push you around. I used to think “b\Bondage of self” was just some poetic AA phrase people said in basement meetings. Turns out, it’s real. And you don’t even see the chains until you finally stop carrying them. I’m on Day 3 without nicotine. Goodbye ZYN. We had a run, but let’s be honest—you stopped serving me a long time ago. What started as this “little thing to take the edge off” slowly became the thing that created the edge. Anxiety I didn’t have before. Emotional swings that felt like a bad radio station changing frequencies every ten minutes. Irritation at nothing. A constant background hum of wanting something. For what? A buzz that lasted maybe five minutes. It was like renting peace from a landlord that hated me. And here’s the wild part:The moment I stopped, I realized none of that noise belonged to me. It was all withdrawal. It was all chemical. None of it was who I actually am. Walking through Thailand sober—no booze, no weed, no nicotine—feels like someone finally cracked open a window in my mind. Same world. Same streets. Same chaos. But I’m not tangled up in it. I’m not trying to manage myself every five seconds. That’s the thing about letting go of a substance you’ve leaned on: your brain freaks out, your emotions do the Macarena, but underneath all that static is the version of you that’s been waiting patiently to come back online. Today I woke up in Thailand feeling lighter.Not euphoric. Not perfect. Just not controlled. Nicotine doesn’t get to tell me how I feel. It doesn’t get to pull levers in my brain. it doesn’t get to decide what kind of day I’m going to have. I do. I don’t ever want to go back—not because I’m scared I’ll lose my streak, but because I’ve tasted what actual freedom feels like. Substance-free clarity is subtle… but unmistakable. Like the quiet confidence you get from knowing no one else is steering the ship.