My mind right now · Blssed Influence

Mar 16 (edited) • Testimony

My mind right now

Hey everyone, I wanna let you know that I love you all you this community has been so good and God bless. I’m praying for all of us struggling with this battle guys. I need prayers bad I want your opinions on it cause I used to be lukewarm, and then I got saved. This might be TMI. I don’t know. I moved about a year ago into my girlfriend‘s grandmother‘s and I was like a cultural Christian, but I didn’t believe you had to go to church to go to heaven. I was living off a free Grace gospel and I was so deceived that was just the way I was raised but Then After so many stupid decisions in high school. God still blessed me. He is so good and he blessed me with an amazing, smart and beautiful girlfriend. She is the best person in my life. He’s giving me the best gift on earth and I fell today twice like right after one another I fell and the first time I was like no no there’s no way I can come back from this and then I still felt God somehow he’s well not somehow but he’s just so good and so awesome and so glorious he still saved a wretch like me and he was like no get up. I’m gonna use you. I could feel him telling me he’s gonna use me to help all the other people that are just going through this And then like 510 minutes later I fell again and I just wanna confess it to all the guys I probably confess on here so much you might even think I’m lukewarm not genuinely in it. I have a heart issue so father God, I confess it to you now my heart is so messed up Lord Jesus, please God I don’t want your forgiveness I want to be changed and truly repent and just be washed clean you are the king of Kings and Lord of Lord and I’m so sorry for all that I have done against you. My family loved ones and a good life. You’ve given me Lord Jesus I’m tired of abusing your grace please father God I am sorry and I can’t just keep saying it. I need you to wash me God I wanna beg you to take it away but I know that’s not how this works and then I get mad at you for me having this, but everyone goes through their own trials and I know it’s your choice and it’s a heart issue please God wash me clean. I wanna persevere give me the strength God I love you and I’m sorry and I wanna prove I love you cause if I did love you and my girlfriend, I wouldn’t do what I do. I’m sorry I hate my sin. I hate what I do help me God and save me for myself and heal me creating me a new clean heart or new steadfast spirit with me help me know when to read your word and want to read if I can do what to do for you and your plan in your glory for others and then lastly myself because there’s so many things my selfish heart seeks after but what I know what I need most is to know you in a more holy and majestic way God help me crush my iniquity and wash me clean. I’m sorry and I love you and I wanna show it to you with every breath I take for the rest of my life and I know I’ll fall short, but my identity is within you and I’m a child of God when you look at me you see Jesus and what he did for me so I thankyou , Lord Jesus who was and is and is to come if I could, I just bow down to you Kiss your feet. You are the king of Kings and Lord of lords you’re so awesome so glorious please use me God and let it be for your glory. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Please change my heart help me crush my iniquity in Jesus name I pray amen. thank you all you’ve read this far. I’m tired of going into the same routines. I haven’t even been reading my word as much. I started this new job and I’ll promise. I’m gonna put God first. I’m reading the word on my phone when I get time for all my lunch break if I remember in a part of me will be like no let’s play a game on my phone instead and I’m like no we’re not gonna do that. We’re gonna read so that helps. I’ve been playing kingdom come deliverance 2. and I know there is some stuff in that but I thought if I could avoid it, it wouldn’t tempt me well decent intrusive thoughts come back and I don’t want them at all so I’m gonna either cut that game off completely if it is so, God‘s will I’ll absolutely do it cause I don’t want anything. That’ll take me away from him and I don’t wanna choose the things in that game if it’s OK with God for me to play it that’ll tempt me or give me those images or show inappropriate things cause there’s literally ways you can avoid all that so I’m praying on it cause I don’t want anything. That’s gonna take me away from him so I surrender it all you God, tell me what to do. I’m gonna do it and let your will be done in my life on earth that is in heaven. my entire life I’ve been looking for love and all the wrong places. I think I get it from my mom I mean she’s just had a loser after loser for boyfriends and that’s what I was doing in high school just dating girls just because I thought they are pretty and thought hey just cause they’re pretty. Maybe they’re nice and I never even considered God into it. I’d say I believed in Jesus, but I didn’t do it. I wasnt a real Christian, but God put a good loving woman in my life two years ago, March 4 Makes two years now and I feel like every time I fall he’s gonna take her away which if he did does, he’s absolutely just if I had a heart attack right now God is just and he is my king and whatever comes to me I deserve but I know he loves me and doesn’t wanna punish me. He wants me to repent and come back to him and use my life for him and his plan. He’s powerful and loving and majestic just praise him all the time and then I’ll get my own my hearts intrests like I wanna play the Xbox I wanna watch this or that and I’ll crucify my flesh by denying myself and surrendering it to God I need to fast with me being at work a bunch of physical labor. and I have to eat in order to have energy but there’s other ways I can fast I just wanna know what you all think really need your prayers and I need to not lean on my own understanding and lean on him and his word. He’s such a good God and such a pure and majestic king, our Lord and Savior, and I’m sorry for hurting him. I wish I never did it. I’d Cut off my hands if He wanted me to, but he still has mercy on us. I love him. I wanna show it if you’ve even made it this far thank you it’s just rambling of a crazy person. Our brother sisters of Christ. I just I don’t know. Pray for me guys please cause with God I can do it, but I’m just so tired of choosing it. I’m sick and tired of it and I just wanna throw up. I hate it. I just wish I could puke and it would be out of me. I just all this sin and nastiness and wrongness. I want it out, I know the Holy Spirit loves me because he guided me and I’m tired of grieving him and hurting him. He is so good so father I’m sorry. Help me. I love you Lord and I want to give you my all I’m so sorry in Jesus mighty majestic name I pray amen

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