My Story · Accountabilio

My Story

Fabian here 👋

I’m from Chicago and I look forward to eliminating this disgusting addiction once and for all. As to what brought me here. Like most men, you discover porn typically at an early age. I discovered porn at about 12 years old. As you can imagine this can lead to psychological and negative effects over time. What may seem normal or natural at the time, it completely derails your life as you get older. I have always been a very active person (Athlete/Sports). Infact, I played baseball collegiately. So, I was a person with discipline and good character. While having an active lifestyle is good, especially because it keeps you out of trouble. However what happens when you no longer live an active lifestyle because of age and work? What happens when you get bored? What happens when you are lonely? This is when I resorted to porn to find pleasure, just like sports did for me when I was young. What I discovered as I got older was that porn was a symptom to something much more deeper. While loneliness and seeking stimuli amplified my urges to seek porn. It wasn’t the loneliness and wanting stimuli itself as to why I needed porn. But rather because it associated itself as part of my nervous system and neural pathways. In addition what I realized during the above discovery is the root cause of why my brain allowed the above is because it thinks that what I am doing is completely fine and party of biology. You brain can’t tell the difference between pixels and real sex. Infact it probably thinks you are procreating at such a high level which associates it as good.

Along this path I was also able to discover something that led me to constantly relapsing. I was able to address my inner child. This is partly why I was doing what I was doing. And like most boys, they need love, comfort, and safety which I did not receive when I was a child. We also seek validation/approval from our fathers. Not only did I not receive that but I was often criticized for my every move. I genuinely started to believe that there might be something wrong with me. Which led to the loneliness and seeking stimulation > which leads to relapsing. See the link? I kept digging further however to understand even more. I realized my father was seeking the same thing as a child as well. He never addressed his childhood trauma. Whereas I did. His father(my grandpa) left him at an early age to go work so he can support my dad and his siblings. Because of this my dad was raised by just his mom. Over time this leads to a dysfunctional/dysregulated nervous system in which influenced how he (my dad) raised his children. This influenced my nervous system alongside my brother and sister. This led to to depression, anxiety, fear, limited mindset,etc. Once I was able to address the above, my journey to a porn free life has become easier. I now know that my father’s past and my upbringing don’t have to influence who I am or who I want to become.

As far as when did I start taking this addiction truly seriously is when I noticed my friends getting married and having what seemed good lives. I realized I need to get my shit together if I want to become the man I am supposed to be. What has helped me in my journey aside from addressing my inner child has been to not take the urges so seriously and to not add an emotional attachment to the urges. By doing this, it allows me to observe and let the urges pass. As well as remembering the feeling of relapsing. I like to remind myself of that feeling and why I shouldn’t relapse. Temporary pleasure is just not worth it!

This is my story and I look forward to learning from everyone’s own experience.

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