Definitely not something I want. Definitely something Iโm working on. Definitely not something I want to label myself asโฆ but I know I just fricken didโฆ So last night I went to a local live music event with this new EPIC man in my life whoโs from here in Bali. Not a big concert or out like that. Just local musicians, friends, beers, good vibesโฆ and I was likeโฆ rightโฆ bite the bullet, Mimi. Go and do something uncomfortable for once instead of making excuses, u got this eeekkk I could already feel the anxiety brewing before we even left. Thirty minute scooter rideโฆ and Iโm already overthinking shit a lot Then we walked in. It was this bigish warehouse space. All the lights were on. Maybe 25 or 30 people sat around tables drinking arak and beer. ๐๐๐ ๐บ๐ฒ๐ปโฆ. Ekka knew people straight away. A few came over to say hello. He introduced me. Obvs thereโs a language barrier because I donโt speak Indonesian (gotta sort this out..note to self) and then my brain just wentโฆ ๐ฆ๐๐๐ง. Iโm the only girl here. ๐ฆ๐๐๐ง. I'm the only bule (that's what they call us foreigners here) here. And thenโฆ oh my dayzโฆ I spiralled. Like PROPER fcking spiralled. The only way I can describe it is... imagine walking into an arena where U don't know a SINGLE person. Everything's unfamiliar. Everyone already knows everyone else. And it feels like there's this massive af spotlight following U around the room. Like everyone can see u. Everyone's looking at u. Everyone's judging u... even though they're probably not pfffttt That's exactly what it felt like. ๐ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐น๐ ๐ฆ๐ข ๐ฒ๐
๐ฝ๐ผ๐๐ฒ๐ฑ. ๐ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ฑ๐ป'๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ป๐ป๐ฎ ๐ฏ๐ฒ ๐๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ป. ๐ ๐ท๐๐๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ป๐๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐๐ผ ๐ฏ๐น๐ฒ๐ป๐ฑ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ถ๐ป. What do I do with my hands? Do I put them on my hips? Behind my back? Do I smile? Am I smiling too much? Am I standing weird? Why am I just STANDING here? Then it got even more ridiculous because my brain clearly thought, "Let's throw absolutely EVERYTHING at her while we're at it." Why didn't I wear my Vans? Why have I got sandals on? Why am I wearing shorts? I should've worn trousers. Do I look like an idiot? People are gonna think... who the fuck is SHE? Why is she here?