I hear there is some sort of sports ball contest occurring just outside the castle (though in a high security fort that is really picky about whom might be allowed in, to watch or participate). The winners get some sort of wooden cup, which is a metaphor for Christ, or possibly a metaphor for how cheap the organisers are. One of the two. I believe the Three Lions team is pretty popular amongst many of the castle residents, despite them being literal lions with little understanding of sports. Do we have fans of any of the other teams? I'll try to sneak around the back and climb on top of some bins to see if I can report on any of the games.

Due to the hot weather, ice lollies are being issued at every doorway and acceptance is mandatory. If you do not receive a lolly at any doorway, please report the doorway and ice lolly attendant immediately. Flavours currently available are below, please put in a request if you require additional flavours - Strawberry - Green Raspberry - Beef Wellington - Stainless Steel - Original (Plain ice) - Double Strawberry - New: Unbridled Hatred

...is now open. What book are you reading? Please share some of your favourite passages, if you have the time.

The newly refurbished Honeymoon Suite is now open, and available for bookings. However, please do feel free to pop by to add additional embellishments to make any honeymooning guests feel more at home. Initial refurbishments consist of: - A four poster bed, each poster being a cheeky candid photograph of one of the members of Abba - A new skylight, fitting in the room below, which allows castle historian Sir Maxwell House to gaze upwards and make notes - Twelve re-furred furbies that refuse reefers, thanks to our no smoking policy (other methods of intaking intoxicants are allowed, with written permission from your mother) - A dumbwaiter than runs down to a creepy basement where a witch may or may not live, depending on whether you believe in that sort of hokum or not (please disregard any corpses that might appear in there at inconvenient times) - Chas and Dave Please don't leave the room the same as you found it. Honestly, a change is as good as a rest.

The Knight With An Onion For A Head has reportedly been spotted playing the tuba, while standing on the roofs of residents including Mr Zarathrusta and Mrs Malfunctionz. Have you seen and/or heard this recurring nuisance? Kindly report on his rooftop location and the music/songs you heard him play.