So, many of you have been so kind on this dog journey, I'm so happy to share that dear Ace was warmly welcomed into his new home with his sweet new family, 5 kids and two parents, they have so much love to go around and he is doing amazing! And as for us, my kiddo expressed some major sadness and anger following the transition including a lot of stuff he holds onto from years past, so that was huge and I had my first night last night with no kid and no dog and other than the bearded dragon who synchronistically came out of brumation the same week the dog moved out and has been staring at me, I am alone and feeling so free! I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror and heard a little voice in my head say, "I love my life"!!!! This is where I was at before the dog and I am absolutely beyond thrilled and grateful to be here again, a part of me worried it wasn't actually the dog, but ahhhh, I'm so relieved! Hoping this really cements in me the value of checking in whether I am doing something for someone else or if it is actually for me and being able to choose accordingly more often! Thanks for all your support along the way! xo, z

I feel like someone explained that there is a characteristic of neurodivergence that requires you to just wait when there is something significant on the agenda and you can't do anything else until it's done, like if you have an appointment at 2pm and you spend the whole day on hold because you are trying to just make sure that happens....anyone familiar with that? The pup is transitioning to the new family at noon tomorrow and I feel like I've been in this waiting for days....

My therapist and I talked this week about a comment my kid had made about me, about my "social problems." It was said with kindness, a recognition and even acceptance of my "difference" and inability to interact in ways and spaces that are so fun and fulfilling for him, he's always been far more socially adept than I, one of the many characteristics that have made him fascinating and marvelous to me! My therapist encouraged me to consider, perhaps, that they are not "social problems" per se, that these moments when the social interaction doesn't go as expected, I haven't been mean or rude or inattentive, it's typically that I've failed to and more recently refused to follow the social norms which can derail social interactions with those to whom the social norms are considered social rules. I recently came across the blogger through a book called a well trained woman and this article really rocked me. My therapist had suggested I reacquaint myself with my personal values as an exercise in solidifying my worth through recognition of how I follow my values even in the face of social loss, and in so doing let go of the need to prove to others through their approval that my values are valuable. This quote in particular put it into words in such a perfect way, "if you resist the temptation to defend yourself to others, but instead, take any criticism or disagreement as a chance to revisit your personal creed and practice, you will slowly but surely see that you are, in fact, that worthwhile person you wish others could see." 😭🙏🏻💙

Well, I had my psych eval yesterday and the psychologist confirmed what I long thought was probably true. We very carefully went through the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder (which I was diagnosed with 20 years ago and have since had numerous psych evals that said I did not have but it always kind of hung in the back of my mind) and it was overwhelmingly confirmed that ASD is the more accurate diagnosis and I still feel very nervous about sharing and like no one will believe me, but I am equally motivated to share about it because I do think a lot of us AFAB (assigned female at birth) and/or marginalized people are living with this and struggling and not giving themselves permission to take care of themselves in ways that will support their mental health and decrease anxiety and depression and increase overall quality of life. I found this great podcast and already feel less self doubt about it, I really feel the nervous system work and wisdom of DBT are hugely valuable for any person but most especially those of us who have experienced a culture that constantly tells us we are "fine" and diminish the realities of neurodiversity and diversity of experience in general. Reconnecting with one's nervous system and rebuilding a trusting relationship with our bodies and giving radical permission to all people to respect their autonomy is my hope for the world and once again the stuff that seemed the hardest in my life is what gives me so much meaning in my present life. Nothing is ever wasted! I'll be putting together a very detailed series about my evaluation and what I'll be learning about unmasking on the YouTube channel, please share any resources you come across!

Just sending some love out into the ether to each of you today! Wherever you are, whoever you are with, however you are spending the day and however you feel about that, I love you and you know what is fun? I was thinking about "why do I love you?" and I realized I don't have any other reason than "I just do." This is the first time I've ever experimented with being in connection with others without self-editing, without obligation or pressure or expectation, and I just love it, I thought I would but it is so nice to see that I really do! I was talking yesterday with the woman who is teaching me about websites, and marketing and merch and business stuff and she was talking about "incentivizing engagement" and I was so delighted to say that I'm not on that train, we are actually celebrating one another for showing up AND not showing up! I love it! So thank you for being on this journey with me, I love you! xo, z