Late summer 2010, Boulder Junction, Wisconsin. I’m living in a beat-up trailer in the middle of a ghetto trailer park. At night you can sit on the steps and watch people drinking by bonfires, then chasing each other through the lots, screaming, crying, fists flying — the same chaos every single night. I had just found out my boyfriend was cheating. I even messaged the girl like an idiot: ‘Hey, can you leave my man alone?’ Desperation had me so twisted I didn’t know which way was up. His mom handed me a couple Xanax bars. I popped them right there, stopped at the smoke shop, grabbed a bottle of Bacardi Limon, and climbed into my car — the .270 Savage rifle I’d hunted with for years sitting in the back seat with a box of bullets. I started pounding the rum straight from the bottle, no chaser, burning all the way down while I drove County M toward home. The pain felt insurmountable. I just wanted it to stop. As the trees blurred past I thought, ‘I could just speed up and crank the wheel into the woods.’ So I did. I slammed the gas, yanked the steering wheel hard, and the car screamed off the highway into the dark trees. I don’t remember the impact. I just remember waking up with blood on my face, interior lights still on, someone knocking on the window. Then flashing ambulance lights, my clothes being cut off, and nothing… until I woke up a day later in Wausau hospital with a tube down my throat, hands tied to the bed rails. My boyfriend wouldn’t even come get me. His sister-in-law picked me up instead. When I walked into our trailer, her stuff was everywhere — clothes, makeup, her scent in the air. That was my rock bottom. The reason I told you this story is.........we all have our version of that dark drive where the pain feels too big to carry. Has this ever happened to you? My challenge to you is: if you’re on that drive right now, know you can still come back. Progress is progress — whether it’s a mile or a millimeter. I’m ten years sober from meth now, happily married, and my kids are thriving. You can too.

What if your biggest 'flaw' is actually your brain trying to protect you? That shame wave after bedtime? That snap at feedback? That’s the Trigger Matrix. Paid post FREE for YOU today unpacks it — then gives you 7 customizable tools so it stops sabotaging.

I'm writing this as I'm debating whether or not I should go to the hospital. I'm done with fighting for a better life. My life has been nothing but trauma, grief, regret, shame, rejection, and humiliation. I've lost friends, lovers, family members, and, above all, my love, respect, and trust for people in general. My life has not been the same since. I don't see the point anymore in living. Every day, I wake up wishing that I were dead. I have nothing but rage and envy in my heart, and I see no point in trying to have a better future. All the advice is "focus on you." "Everything happens for a reason," and every type of bullshit thing in between. I'm done listening for advice, for people's perspectives, and for hope beyond this pain. I have zero fucks to give about people. Everyone is a douche as far as I am concerned. This world runs on nothing but drugs, sex, money, and lies. I will no longer tell anyone else about my pain and no longer trust or love anyone ever again. Here's what's going to happen if I try one last time: someone will try to steal things away from me; they'll mock me and isolate me; or they'll ridicule me. I no longer care if I die a happy human or not. For me, it no longer exists. I've had people use me, abuse me, put me down, lie to me, steal from me, avoid me, and accuse me of every horrible thing, and I've had enough. All I have to say is, why? Why the corruption? Why hurt people? Why do I have to suffer? Why do I appear to have a "Hey, let's make fun of this guy and think he's nothing but a boring piece of shit" sign on my head? Why must my life be nothing but disappointment and bad memories? Why do I have to have influencers in my face tell me every single day, "This is your fault," and "You're no longer a man"? "You're a little boy," while they steal everything I want. Meanwhile, I'm here, struggling with school. I have abusive, controlling parents who have hidden a diagnosis from me, forced me to be on meds, and have given me no way to express myself or even feel "happy." "I'm sick of those influencers. I'm sick of all the successful people. I'm sick of everyone doing better and having great lives. They have no idea what it's like when they shunned me, and they have all the freedom in the world. I'm sick of all the people shoving their ideas down my head and telling me that "you're making excuses," or "I just don't see you as someone cool," or "you're a sick person." I've heard it all. Unless I get the justice and revenge that I deserve, I will never be happy. I don't like talking like this, but I'm tired of being lied to by everyone and being condescended to and intimidated. I'm crying rn because this voice and my numbness get louder by the day, and at this point, I'm going to burst. I don't know who I can tell any of this to without screaming my lungs off. But I'm fine with it. I'm fine if I never find a wife, friends, or a meaningful career. No matter how much I want it, I'm simply never gonna get anything I want. Because I'm too fucked up and my story will be bitter, no matter how much I try to stop it. I feel empty and dead inside.

Two quotes I wanted to share from my reading today: 1-“The secret to your future is hidden in your daily routine.) (Terri Savelle Foy) 2-“You will never change your life until you change something you do daily” (John Maxwell) For me my morning routine sets me up for success each day. What are some key routines in your day that you find gets your momentum going?

This quote by C.S. Lewis really stuck out to me: “Redeemed humanity is to be something more glorious than unfallen humanity would have been….The greater the sin, the greater the mercy. The deeper the death, the greater the rebirth.” I like this because it reminds me that who I am today is more glorious than my past mistakes. Those experiences have a way of refining us and making us even better. Sometimes when I get down on myself and I beat myself us this quote reminds me I’m still growing and becoming even better.