Releasing my music. I have over a thousand songs that I haven’t released and the reason or excuse is that I haven’t developed the skills to master them. I’ve released one song called “Mirame k soy tu talento”. Back in 2022 I think. Which translates to ‘look at me for I am your talent’. Under the artist name Rad Bud. But I didn’t like it I just followed some YouTube videos on how to do it but I just didn’t like putting out low quality versions of my music. I have bought a music program to teach me how but again I feel like I need to be shown And at times I think it might go deeper. I think maybe there’s a part of me that’s scared or something. The funny thing is I know my music is good and in a way that I would be the overnight success. Yet at the same time I’m not really going for it. Like the desires of all that have faded and I feel comfortable in the moment. In the job in the house in my mind. Like a surrender that I now know. When before it was a false surrender still being like “ok now what? why won’t I just learn through programs. I just want the money not the fame”. “I need someone there to teach me physically “and on and on. Now it’s like dang I know it’s gonna happen idk when or how but in the meantime I’m the embodiment of what I wanted for so long. It’s only a matter of time. And for what I’m not really sure. Oh wait I do have another song I released it’s on SoundCloud. I released it recently It’s under the artist name Rad Bud and the title to the song is “The N Word”. It’s not what you’re thinking. And in that one I had help but I did do it at a stage in my life when I was still pretty lost. And didn’t like the quality loudness of my singing or duration or the incomplete message lol. Besides that life is pretty easy even when it does feels heavy.. by the way that song comes in a instrumental version too. One with my lyrics other one with the tunes. If you do go check out my niece she makes some heartfelt songs she’s under ‘Neil gventura’ and now that I mention that I’m just realizing I do have a YouTube channel called Rad Bud there’s me just making some tunes on my laptop. And another one also Rad Bud on TikTok. And ‘sound is only borrowed noise’ on YouTube. I think I have one or two on there..

Drugs and alcohol. Porn and masturbation and the inability to speak to anyone. I found myself one day with the realization that there were so many years of my life convinced that I just couldn’t live my life without any substances. And now I don’t even remember how they felt. I could not look at anyone in their eyes, yet alone speak to them. Porn and masturbation were my first escapes. And now I see how it all ties in together and the evolution of those addictions. I see the hurt and the why now. My family knows of my sobriety, yet only one has really acknowledged that, my mom. But no one knows the days and nights that I had to go through. The desperation, withdrawals, and long lonely days and nights. The confusion and helplessness. The tears that only pillows and the palm of my hands became aware of. The things that I’m proud of not one person knows about. Sometimes I do wonder if anyone else has noticed the change. But I know it’s not for them. It’s for me. I am truly blessed I know now why I had to go through that. I know why I had to experience the underbelly of society. Times when I saw how odd it was that a group of kids could be in a mall setting desperate for their fix, waiting for their shady connection just to get that deal. While families around us enjoying themselves oblivious to what was going on around them. I know now why I had to go through so much darkness in bright lights. I know that there are people out there still going through it. Those whom know they want out but don’t know how. Those whom become unrecognizable and give up their future for the temporary fix. I am happy for those experiences. I am proud I have risen up and out of them. I am proud that I can finally speak to a stranger without feeling the weight of the world on me. The weight of shame, embarrassment, guilt, the weight of feeling like a burden everywhere I went. Feeling like my absence from society were to be the best thing to happen to it. I am so grateful for this journey and at times I do feel the old weight but nowhere near it’s intensity as before. When it was crippling to the point that I was genuinely terrified to step outside the house. Surrounded by people and family who didn’t know any better and their way of getting to me was the best way they knew how, Crushing and not being able to live up to those expectations. Putting on so much on me as well and not knowing why or how to get out of it. Now when I truly reflect I see how I am not the same person. I know my music will one day inspire and uplift those going through the hell of it. Man I am so grateful for where I am now.

Let’s go!