I tolerated what my body knew I didn't like, for the sake of someone else. After my burnout late 2025. I have been in solitude. I wanted answers, so I could understand me. I was in a relationship that ended it's 6 year DeFacto phase, 2 years ago. The last 2 years were confusing. One leg in, one leg out. Everytime I was away from my ex partner, I felt light and free, then after some time either him or I would reach out, reunite. Longing for reconnection. I would get comfortable again, feel happy, connected. The fact is I love him as a human, he is a wonderfully beautiful man. Each time We reconnected, it was great for a short time and then I found myself retreating, escaping, literally running away. I drove through a horrible rain storm one night, that I would never choose to do if I gave it a thought. I drove in the wee hours of the morning. All these things I had told myself that I couldn't do. Yet when desperate enough and acting on my intuition, the task was easy, like I could breathe again. I kept going back for the sake of keeping the peace, cause it was familiar, known, expected. I was loved. I felt guilt and shame for his own life, that he chose when we first separated, like I felt sorry for him. If I stayed he wouldn't be sad, I didn't want to abandon him as I felt the pain of his own abandonment issues. I tried to get him to open up, express his emotions, he would get angry and discard me. I used to think if I can heal his wounds, 'wake' him up, that we will be alright. He couldn't get it and when I tried to explain to him how life truly is for me, he would get defensive and tell me to change the subject or talk about something else, that life is black and white, something you can see, hear, touch. Not full of these airy fairy conspiracies and woo woo. He would bang on about it all the time. To keep the peace, I did as he chose. And silenced my own self. Until I saw the light, literally. I was accepting myself as a we. But me was desperate to be seen.