I’m still struggling with my recovery and my fear of not being able to touch the wall in the big pool. Yesterday, I was able to get it down to one hand, which is big progress. I credit indulging my earworm song while I was practicing by actively singing it in my head instead of trying to ignore it. Does anyone have experience with bone conduction earphones? I was thinking that having music going in my head might keep my amygdala distracted in the corner like a toddler with an iPad and some Goldfish crackers so that I can get past the panic response. I a SO close, I just need to trust the logic that I’m not going to drown in 3.5 feet of water with a lifeguard literally feet from me. I know logically that I’m way more likely to float than sink. Seriously, I float so easy that all I have to do holding the wall is do my box breathing and it’s all I can do to keep my feet on the bottom of the pool. But the problem with amygdalas is that they are impervious to logic. Anyway, thoughts on this as a possible solution to move me forward?

I’m a marathoner (Six-star World Marathon Major finisher). Love to cycle. Never learned to swim as a kid and my goal is to do TRIs without panicking in open water!

My new mantra = Keep Showing Up 🙂

I finally got to return to my swimming lesson at the local swim school on Wednesday. It feels like I’m crawling forward by centimeters. That being said, I’m making progress, or at least not going backwards. I went to the pool yesterday for an hour of just reps. I got myself a little freaked out one time that I couldn’t touch the wall, but I recovered and continued doing my reps. My therapist, who specializes in exposure therapy for OCD, wants me to try to go to the pool as many times a week as possible. He thinks repeated exposure to the water will eventually help me overcome my fear. It is improving. Just not as quickly as I want. He said the brief times I’ve been getting in the water aren’t enough, and it’s just enough to keep the fear cycle kind of simmering in the back of my brain. I guess he spent a lot of money going to school for this, so I am giving it a go. I also think it might help if I had someone to sort of spot me away from the wall and help me get used to the feeling of getting down without touching like 2 (or maybe 20) times. I suggested this to my husband, who didn’t really respond to the hint, however, I usually have a swim teacher to myself at my lesson because I’m the only person still stuck at the beginning right now. I’m sure I can get my instructor to do this with me— I think they’d actually be thrilled to think they were helping and I was making some actual progress. That instructor usually has the easiest 30 minutes of their shift because I just want to do my own thing doing reps over and over at the wall. I know I can float, they know I can float, but I just won’t get down or get away where I can’t reach out and touch for security. Anyway, I hope everyone else had a good week at practice. We’re ALL doing a great job, no matter how slow or fast we progress. You’re all so supportive and kind.

I’ve been in a pause in my swimming lessons and pool access due to my husband having a seizure a couple of weeks ago, which has me doing all of the driving. I had been going to the public pool on the weekends for extra practice, but those closed at the beginning of September, so I’m going to have to get creative. Anyway, after a lull, I had to accompany said husband on a work trip, and I insisted we stay at a hotel with an indoor pool. I am pleased to report that after a few tries floating from the steps, I was eventually able to go the width of the pool, which was a little more than a body length, go into a float toward the steps, and get down without touching anything with my hands. This is huge progress from where I started. HUGE. And I want to pause for a brief celebration before continuing… [Pause for celebration] When I tried to do the same maneuver toward the wall, I freaked out a little, so I stopped trying to force that and went back to repeating what was comfortable. There’s something psychological that my brain likes about the security of being able to put my hands down on the steps if I need to, I guess? I’m not sure how to overcome that, other than practice, but the pools I have access to don’t have steps. They’re all competition pools for swimming teams. And the water is about a foot deeper than what I was in at the hotel, which also spikes a little fear. I’m trying not to put a damper on my progress while worrying about the next step, but I am not sure when and how I’m going to be able to continue until my husband gets cleared to drive, so I’m frustrated and sad. Thanks for reading my rambling report.