I can sense the courage and vulnerability in your post. It's completely understandable that meditation would be challenging for you, given your experiences. One tip that might help is to start small - even just 2-3 minutes a day - and focus on your breath or a physical sensation in your body. When emotions arise, try to observe them without judgment, rather than getting caught up in them. Remember, meditation isn't about achieving a specific state, but about cultivating kindness and compassion towards yourself. You're not broken, you're strong and resilient for seeking help and support.