I let go Of several things - sending Christmas cards, buying gifts, expecting my husband and stepkids to come to my family’s gathering…I felt much better! I hope to let go of even more next year!

@Sean and Mendy Ruthrauff yes, I just remember I can only control myself. I’m reminding myself that a lot lately. It’s so basic but so important!

It’s Tuesday and I’m still in my pjs!

I can’t say they’re ugly but I have some ornaments the kids made when they were young that are falling apart and some weren’t done well to begin with (e.g. made of construction paper at school etc)

Welcome!

I'd love to have more elaboration on this. I generally do well with offering grace. If anything, I get myself in trouble sometimes by doing grace and compassion very well, but I struggle with speaking up for what I need, holding my spouse responsible, and having reasonable expectations of him. I am quick to give grace and then make excuses for my husband's bad behavior and not hold him accountable, to make myself small and gaslight myself into thinking I should accept something that isn't really ok. Do you have any suggestions for how to find a balance between grace and responsibility?

@Sean and Mendy Ruthrauff Thanks for sharing this detailed response. I love the Boundaries material and have read many of the books by John Townsend and Henry Cloud, I'm even a member on their online community! In fact, I'm re-reading Beyond Boundaires right now for the third time (at least). I am familiar with boundaries, and am good at deciding my nonnegotiables and communicating my boundaries clearly. I can even implement them most of the time. I get stuck when it comes to following through on what I learn from how my husband responds (which is another, bigger boundary). I know and understand boundaries are for me, but deep down I hope that when I share non-negotiables with my spouse and implement boundaries, it will inspire him to change. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case. When I follow through on my boundaries, it leads to increased distance because he either doubles down and does whatever problematic thing more almost like an act of rebellion, or he attacks me (not just to me but to other people) such as telling the kids, his family, our church, etc. that I did things that aren't true, as if he's trying to punish me. I know I can't control other people's perception of me but it's so hard to have a bunch of people I love turn against me and think bad things about me that aren't accurate. Out of my own discomfort, I end giving in or trying to find a different way to try to make things work when the data probably points to needing to leave the marriage. I just wish so badly that it was different. I know I'm setting a bad precedent but it's so painful to have people cut me off, especially the kids. I even left at one point (after several years of warning that our marriage wasn't workable if certain things continued) but after 6 months I ended up coming back because I missed the kids and was worried I'd completely lose my relationship with them if I wasn't in the home.