I have gotten better at doing this. I am wondering if you have tips for what to say if the other person needs to calm down. Sometimes I say something like "I can't participate in this discussion anymore right now. It seems like we are both upset and this won't be productive/fruitful at the moment. I would love to continue it later when we calm down". I say "we" even if I'm not the one getting upset so it doesn't sound like blame. But since I'm not the one who's upset (and usually the other person is trying to keep talking even though they're getting out of control) I don't want to say we have to come back at a certain time. If they keep going I try to just stop responding (after saying I'm not going to engage anymore) and I say it calmly, not spitefully. But then the other person never comes back to it. In the past when I've tried suggesting a timeframe such as "let's take a break and try talking again in 20 minutes" they'll refuse and say no we can talk now or never. I know I don't want to give in and talk now because it won't go anywhere but then we never come back to it (until way later when something else similar happens and it blows up again)

@Sean and Mendy Ruthrauff I like your scripts and will try to remember them and implement them in the future. Even when calm, he usually refuses agreements like saying we’ll come back to something. He is reluctant to agree to much of anything; he seems to interpret anything I ask for as an attempt to control or manipulate him. I often say we’re on the same team or something similar but it doesn’t seem to help him, although it’s a good reminder even to myself!

I like the phrase “unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments”. I have heard something very similar before. I can honestly say I don’t expect my husband or anyone else to read my mind, and I am good at speaking up about my thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants (at least, I was in the past). However, opening up about my feelings, needs, and wants was not fruitful; I was often ignored, invalidated, or gaslit. For a long time, I mostly shut down out of self-preservation. If I never said what I wanted or needed and he didn’t do it, maybe it would hurt less than if I flat out told him and he still didn’t do it. However, after a couple years of trying to eliminate all my needs and preferences, I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I felt inauthentic, out of integrity, and still miserable that he wasn’t doing the things. It might have been even worse, because then I was upset with myself for not speaking up, and told myself that maybe if I had communicated better he would have done the things I wanted or needed. I challenged myself to start being vulnerable and speaking up again. I think mostly I wanted to stop blaming myself. I wanted to get out of denial. If I was vocal and respectful about my feelings, needs, and desires, and he still didn’t do any of the things, it would be painful, but at least I would see realistically where things stand. I started sharing more with very mixed results. I was still frequently ignored, invalidated, and gaslit. When he occasionally did something I wanted, it seemed to me to be half hearted or bare minimum; I wanted him to be more engaged, invested, excited, interested, to take more ownership, etc. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt and look on the bright side of everything. Over time, this was every bit as exhausting as not speaking up, just in a different way. I still didn’t feel heard, cared for, or prioritized because his response was inconsistent. When he did anything I asked for or expressed a want of, I am sad to say I wasn’t much more satisfied with it because it seemed to be reluctant or unenthusiastic. After several months, it became so painful to continue being vulnerable again, and I remembered why I shut down the first time.

@Sean and Mendy Ruthrauff thank you for your detailed response. I will check out the classroom tab. I’ve tried to make boundaries but I have a hard time following through on them. I know technically boundaries are for me but my hope deep down is that it will inspire him to change then when He doesn’t I don’t want to follow through on the boundary because I know it will lead to more distance and disconnection between us or ending the marriage and I am not ready for that. So I don’t communicate boundaries because I don’t want to say them then not follow through.

Yes! I used to explain because I thought it would help the other person understand, but I realized it just gave them space to try to negotiate or persuade me otherwise.

I am the former. Everyone else in my house is the latter

I am committed to asking my husband this tonight, although I don't anticipate a great outcome. I suspect he will say he doesn't know or that nothing was good, but I will ask anyway. We have not been connected in a very long time. Sometimes I wonder if we ever were connected. A couple months ago he told me he did not like me talking to him, saying hello or greeting him, asking how he's doing or about his day, or asking him any kind of questions in general. He said he does not like to be in the same room as me and has to avoid / ignore me just to survive. OUCH! I backed off a lot because that's what he said he wanted. I did not say anything to him when one of us came home since he didn't like me to greet him. I didn't ask anything about his day since he told me he didn't like it. I tried to find things to do out of our house so I was not in the same room as him. I felt like I had to do these things because it's what he said he wanted, and I was very hurt and wanted to avoid further hurt by being around him... but since I stopped talking to him I feel even worse and even more distant. I know that seems obvious and shouldn't be a surprise, but I was trying to do what he said he wanted. It feels unloving to me to treat him this way. It is not how I want to treat anyone, especially my spouse. I don't know what to do when he says he wants me to act in ways that I think are unloving. It seems wrong to keep being nice to him if he says it upsets him, but I don't want to not be nice to him either.