Yesterday I had a long convo with Alyssa, she discovered that she had been slowly feeling a “smoldering” anger towards me… for a long time. I knew there were a lot of moments when she seemed more angry than I would expect, and I often aim to assume and look for where I can take accountability, sometimes I can assume a lot some is a little harder. The other night she needed some space, she needed alone time, no hesitation, I took over the rest of the night, luckily things went smooth which is not 100% of the time. That night she said she still felt that smoldering anger but actually had no where to direct it towards me yet her anger felt aimed at me. It forced her to be introspective as she had no reason for me seamlessly taking over. She concluded after a multi day consideration, that she was FEELING 2nd hand anger, covering up her shame. She felt shame that she wasn’t doing enough because that night I successfully did it all, cooked, cleaned, bathtime, bed time routine. When I was doing the work it took away her ability/cultural-training that she should be a martyr. This gave me hope as I often think I’m doing everything I can, to be an equal partner, and still often feel so short. It was such a win to know that some times her own culturally inflicted shame was the cause. I don’t expect her to no flip a switch and notice everytime she is in a shame-based anger. But we talked about what I can do to help her be aware. She encouraged: “Is there something happening for you?” Which gives her some safe space to share emotions if they are there or if I’m grasping at a misperception.

Anger - that we continue to have the cyclical fight Shame- that I forgot to fully clean the kitchen tonight Guilt- that I need to sit in the other room while my wife cleans the kitchen as she doesn’t want me in her space. Sad- that my wife feels Like I don’t care about her when I do things like this. Fear - that I keep hitting this cycle Hurt- that my wife thinks of me as a child Lonely- sitting in the other room while she does the job I was supposed to do Joy- the family had a fun day looking at cars.

I've been calling this cycle the Do-better loop for about 2 years now. I've love to know how this description does or does not fit how you and your partner cycle emotionally with invisible labor

Anger: I feel angry that I did not get the job I interviewed for Shame: I feel shame for being more senior than other co-workers and being in a lower position Guilt: I feel guilty for not taking on more from my fiancée in the wedding planning process Fear: I fear that my fiancée with eventually be done with me because I keep making similar mistakes Lonely: I feel lonely because I am not feeling emotionally or physically connected with my fiancée. Sad: I feel sad because it feels as though I am trying my best to make her feel heard and it often doesn’t work Hurt: my pride is hurt when my fiancée compares me to her friends that always make her feel heard Joy: I felt joy competing in a Murph workout this morning.

If you’re open to it I’d love to hear what your family looks like too?